I held up my boarding pass and walked through the gate. My wife, Harper, was right ahead of me, and we both were so loaded with bags and suitcases that we could barely fit between the doorways. Our 10th anniversary was in a couple of days. We both had come into agreement that there was no better way to celebrate than to go on an all-expense-paid cruise to Hawaii.
As we made it up to the deck, we marveled at all the entertainment. There was a band playing to greet us. Pools, water slides, mini-golf, a drive-in sized screen that was displaying boarding information, bars, and restaurants, and that was just what we could see while walking in! This was definitely the right choice for our anniversary vacation. I couldn’t wait to get these bags unloaded and start to enjoy ourselves.
We went into the doors that led to the cabins. There was another beautiful bar down below us. There was a sports bar to the left showing the games on different screens and a small library to our right. Before we made it to the cabins, there was a coffee bar that served specialty coffees and desserts. If religion has it right, I hope that heaven is something like this. You couldn’t walk through a door anywhere without finding something exciting.
Once we made it to our cabin, we dropped all our bags and looked at each other with stars in our eyes. I pulled my wife close for a kiss and then kept my arms around her. I asked eagerly about how we should begin.
“Well, what should we do first? The casino? The arcade?”
She smirked before replying.
“Such a man, don’t forget about the fine dining at 6, followed by the show at the Theatre.”
I drew back and acted faux offended.
“Are you insinuating that I have no culture? I made our reservations before we even boarded, don’t worry. Dinner isn’t for a long time though, how about we go get some of those tacos and a coffee to get ourselves going.”
“Now you’re speaking my language.” She replied with a grin.
“Let’s unpack later. I am starving, and I think that coffee bar right there makes caramel macchiatos.”
Her eyes lit up yet again as I grabbed her hand, and we rushed towards the door. The coffee bar did have macchiatos, which I got with an extra shot of espresso. She ordered a frozen drink that was more sweetness than coffee, and we made our way back onto the deck where the tacos awaited.
The weather was beautiful. It was Fall time, and the sun was just warm enough to be inviting, accompanied by the blissful breeze that blew along the top of the deck. As we drew near to Tito’s Taco Shop, we heard the captain coming through the loudspeakers announcing takeoff. He reminded us about the mandatory safety meeting in a couple of hours and then wished us to have a great time aboard the ship.
It was still strange to be in large groups of people without wearing a mask. The pandemic was finally eradicated once the vaccines were distributed. The cruise and tourism industries were hit hard, as were many others. It seemed that people were at last willing to come back out again, and there was no shortage of cruise-goers ready for a trip to the islands.
I had my phone out and was looking up things to do in Honolulu for the days that we were in port. Scuba diving was a must. I had heard that sometimes you could see sharks or even hold an octopus on your hand if you got lucky enough. I wanted to do some hiking near the volcanoes if we had time. All the spam was going to be strange, but as much as they cook with it, I bet they were able to make it taste like a delicacy.
They were in the process of building a new aquarium. It looked like it was going to be a huge one. Sadly, it did not look like it would be done in time for us to check it out. The black sands beach looked incredible, though. Instead of sand, it said that the whole beach was covered in smooth black lava rocks. We would definitely have to make a stop there.
“Ethan! Do you want salsa on your tacos? Chicken or steak?”
I put my phone away and looked at the meats before responding and did so to the guy who was making them as he finished up my wife’s two glorious looking tacos.
“I’ll take one of both with some of that green salsa. Thank you!”
All the free tacos that you could eat, why couldn’t life always be like that?
“Let’s sit over there by the side, so we can watch the takeoff,” Harper said, before taking a big sip of her frozen coffee.
We took a seat and took in the last sight of land that we would see for about 4 days. Once we arrived, we would tour the different islands, stopping at each port and having a day to explore. There were some people on land waving towards the ship. We joined many others who were near the side waving back. I couldn’t help but feel bad for all of those poor people stuck on the land.
“Bon Voyage to us, I guess.”
I held up my coffee for a cheers, and Harper returned the gesture. Her face was glowing. I couldn’t remember seeing her so happy since the day of our wedding.
“This is really going to be a nice break from reality.” She said as she picked up her taco to take her first bite.
“Yeah, it will. Nothing like this in the world.”
We took our time, enjoying each bite as our view of the coastline became a thing of the past. When we were finished, we looked into each other’s eyes. I reached across the table to hold her hand. She sounded a bit anxious as she spoke.
“It is a lot to take in, isn’t it? There is so much to do that I’m afraid of missing out on something. Where should we go first?”
I squeezed her hand and spoke in a reassuring tone.
“We have plenty of time to take it all in. Let’s just make sure to relax and do whatever makes us happy. It will all work itself out.”
Once we had our fill of gazing into the ocean, we decided that we would head back to the room and get unpacked, while we waited for the safety orientation. The time flew by, and before we knew it, they were calling our section over the loudspeaker.
We arrived with all the other passengers and waited for a moment until the crew member made it so we could begin. They gave us the spiel about the life jackets. They explained how the evacuation process works in case of a problem and let us hear a sample of the siren that would be played if there was an emergency.
I was zoning out and staring out of the window. We were near the bottom of the ship, and you could see the water moving beside us. It put me in a bit of a trance, and I kind of lost myself in it for a moment. I was snapped out of it when I saw something I couldn’t quite comprehend.
It happened pretty fast, and most of the people were looking at the crew member as he spoke. I could have been mistaking, but It looked like a giant tentacle had moved by the window and curled out of sight.
I looked around to see if anyone else had seen what I thought I just saw. There was a teenaged boy who looked excited and shocked. He was tugging at his father’s sleeve and explaining something to him. He seemed to brush him off and looked frustrated at the interruption. Everyone else was paying attention to the speech and had apparently not seen a thing.
Harper noticed how shaken I was and asked me quietly if everything was alright. I shook it off and said I would tell her about it later. We sat through the rest of the orientation. Nothing else went by the window, other than the waves being made by the ship.
As we arrived back on the deck, we were grabbing a drink from the tiki-themed bar. Harper chose one of those blue drinks with the little umbrella on top. After what I had seen, I opted for a straight glass of their best scotch. I had explained my story to her, and she was busy trying to figure out what it could have been that I saw.
“So, you’re sure it was all the way up by the window? Even at that lower level, that must be pretty high up from the water. Maybe it was something that crawled up the side, and it just seemed like it was larger because of forced-perspective?”
I took a big sip of my scotch and shook my head in confusion.
“Yeah, I mean, maybe. I really don’t know.”
She looked as if a light bulb went off in her head, and she shot back a smart remark.
“You’ve been reading a bunch of that H. P. Lovecraft stuff again, haven’t you? I’m sure it wasn’t Cthulhu if that’s what you are thinking.”
I laughed and felt my tension release.
“No, it’s not that. I just thought it was weird, that’s all. Enough about that, let’s figure out what we’re going to do until the formal dinner and play tonight.”
She responded with a grin.
“I seem to remember someone mentioning the arcade and the casino.”
I must have looked like a kid on Christmas morning because she burst out laughing. We finished our drinks and made our way past the large screen that was now cycling through reminders of all the different events that you could attend. Night club, comedy club, it seemed like there was no end to the number of things you could do on this ship.
We walked through the casino that was already bustling with cruise-goers. It looked like a good time. They even had versions of those toy cranes that were set up to pick up huge wads of cash. That might be the next stop, but I had my eyes set on the zombie shooter game with two green guns. The arcade was right past the casino and was full of all kinds of games to keep us entertained.
Not as many people were eager to jump straight for the arcade apparently. Harper and I had the whole place to ourselves. I went to the coin machine to get out some tokens. There was a door that read “Staff Only” right by the machine. I heard a loud slamming noise that caught my attention, even over the music that was playing in the arcade. I leaned in a little and heard a heated conversation on the other side.
“This is so fucked up. I can’t believe that they got loose. They need to tell all of the people!”
“Can you imagine the chaos that would cause? I get where you are coming from, trust me. It’s better this way, though.”
“Yeah, I guess you’re right… People would be going crazy.”
The door opened, and I jumped as I was still leaning in to eavesdrop. This must have been apparent to the two kids who walked out because they looked a bit frightened and then hurried right past me. I grabbed the tokens out of the machine and walked over to the machine where my wife was waiting.
“You look like you just saw a ghost or something. Don’t tell me some fish people are walking around on board now.”
I couldn’t even fake a laugh or smile. I explained what I had just heard as I put the coins into the machine and started up the game. She did not seem concerned about the new development.
“They could have been talking about a mechanical issue or something. Try not to worry too much. We deserve to have the time of our lives on this trip. I don’t want you to start to obsess on this and lose sight of why we are here.”
I shrugged at this and answered in a resigned tone.
“Yeah, I guess you’re right. Worrying isn’t going to fix anything anyway. Could you please start taking out some of these zombies, though? I’m carrying the whole game over here. You have a power-up to use, hit the red button.”
She smacked me with the gun for talking trash, but the mood felt much lighter after that. Before long, we grew tired of the arcade and decided to play a few games at the casino. I have never been the best card player, and she was no better than me. This being the case, we opted for the giant money claw machine.
I swear that both of us grabbed a stack a handful of times each. The claw would never hold its grip, though. Feeling more than a little bit scammed, we decided to blow a bit of time at the slots until we had to go get ready for dinner. As soon as we sat down, the person who went on the money claw right behind us exclaimed loudly as the machine lit up and started to make a loud ringing noise. I looked over to Harper and gestured towards him.
“That seems about right, huh? We pump fifty dollars into that thing, and he walks away with a jackpot after one.”
“Such is life.” She responded as she pumped some tokens into the slot machine.
I couldn’t help but hear two guys on some machines behind us, as they were beginning to get a bit rowdy with each other.
“You tryin’ to say I don’t know what I saw man?”
His friend responded quickly.
“No, no, no, man. I’m not trying to say you’re seeing things or whatever else. I’m just saying that it’s crazy. There is no way it can be right!”
After this, the first man shot up out of his seat, knocking over his stool as he did. This caused quite the scene, and many people were starting to gaze in the direction now.
“Yeah, that’s alright. You think whatever the hell you want. I’m gonna go find someone to talk to about it right now!”
He stormed off, leaving his friend looking a bit shell-shocked and embarrassed. Harper looked toward me, and as if reading her mind, I pushed my seat back away from the machine.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here. We need to get ready for dinner.”
She raised her eyebrows in surprise at what we had just witnessed and responded.
“Sounds good to me. I haven’t won anything anyway. Let’s go.”
I looked back towards the guy’s friend, who he left standing there. After considering it for a moment, I leaned in towards my wife.
“You go ahead, I’ll catch up with you in just a second.”
She looked a bit frustrated but did not fight it.
“Hurry up, I want to make sure we get a good seat. It’s going to take us a while to get ready.”
She kissed me on the cheek and took off towards the deck, which led over towards the cabins. I walked up towards the man who was about to walk off before I caught his attention.
“Excuse me, sir? I overheard you and your friend. What was it that he thinks he saw?”
He looked at me warily. It was clear that he really didn’t want to discuss the matter.
“Look, he’s usually not like that, you know? I don’t know what’s gotten into him, honestly.”
I shook my head. He obviously didn’t understand why I was asking.
“No, I saw something strange as well. I’m not trying to say your friend is going crazy at all. I was just wondering what it is that he was saying he saw.”
This seemed to unnerve him more than help calm his nerves. He looked around to make sure nobody was listening in.
“Man, he was saying that he saw a giant fucking octopus, bro. Like, 30 feet long or so is how he was describing it. It’s ridiculous, there is no way they would allow something like that on one of these ships.”
My heart dropped all the way to my feet. I covered my mouth, and I think he could tell by my reaction that what he said had rocked me to the core. I stammered and managed a weak reply as horror rushed through my body.
“I..I… On the boat??”
He nodded and looked at me with the same type of concern he had been showing to his friend. My face must have been as white as a sheet at this point.
“Thanks.”
I took off out of the door, in a huge rush to catch up with Harper. I was looking around in a panic, my heart racing and ready to beat right out of my chest. I was about to just take off to the room when I heard Harper’s voice.
“Ethan! Over here, I grabbed some hot tea.”
I saw her over by the edge of the deck, waving me over. I ran up to her and could hardly focus.
“I thought you needed something to help you relax, and it looks like I was right. What are you freaking out about right now?”
I tried to collect my thoughts and was going to respond when she pointed behind me and cut me off.
“Hey, isn’t that the guy that was just going nuts in the casino?”
I turned around, and the man was being dragged towards a door that was marked “Employees Only”. Two larger deckhands were pulling him that way, each with a tight grip on one of his arms. He was fighting hard to try and break their hold and calling out for help. As they made it through the door with the man, I grabbed Harper by the shoulders and looked into her eyes.
“We have to go. Let’s get to the room, I don’t want to explain out here.”
She nodded, and we made our way towards the cabins. Once we were in our own cabin, she put down the hot teas on our dresser and walked right up to me with an exasperated look on her face.
“Babe, what in the heck is going on right now? This isn’t about the freaking tentacle that you saw out the window, is it?”
I looked shiftily around the room and towards our view of the ocean.
“Yes… I mean, no… Well, not really, anyway.”
“You have got to calm down. Just take a deep breath and explain.”
I did as she suggested and took a long deep breath to collect my thoughts. I told her about what the guy’s friend had said back at the casino. She made the connection between this and the man being dragged off the deck against his will. I also explained what I heard from the crew members when we were at the arcade. I could tell she was beginning to take what I was saying seriously.
I looked off into a corner as I made a connection. It seemed like a bit of a stretch to me, but it was the only thing I could think of. I know that she wouldn’t judge me at this point if it sounded a bit outlandish. After thinking it over for a moment, I decided to tell her what I was thinking.
“When I was looking for things to do in Honolulu earlier, there was an advertisement for a new aquarium that was coming soon. One of the main attractions was that they were going to have a bunch of Giant Pacific Octopi.
I didn’t think about it until now, but what if that is what is on this ship? Let me google it really quick, I had never heard of that type of octopus, so I didn’t think much of it.”
I got the search pulled up and nodded in a cold understanding before continuing.
“This is exactly what that guy was describing. I don’t know why they would use a cruise ship to deliver something like that. It’s the only thing that makes any sense right now, though.”
Harper was looking at the google search thoughtfully and responded.
“I mean, I guess that these were two of the hardest-hit economies during the pandemic, tourism, and cruise ships. It makes some kind of twisted sense that they would come together to try and help each other out. Octopi are known to be very mischievous, even when they aren’t the size of a freaking semi-trailer.”
She made a good point. Nothing had really made sense for a few years now with how crazy the world had been. This made as much sense as anything else when it was put into perspective. I just shook my head in amazement and looked towards her.
“Well, what do we do from here?”
“I know this is crazy, but I’m sure they will have a handle on those things. They would not have arranged to have them on board and not prepared for the possibility that they could escape.
I say we get ready and go to dinner as we had planned. We don’t want to spend our whole 10th-anniversary cruise holed-up in the cabin. Even if all this crazy guesswork is correct, and that is what the guy from the casino saw, I’m sure that they have everything under control.”
I pressed my fingers against my eyes and tried to wrap my mind around everything. I may have been scared out of my mind, but she was right. Our best bet was to hope that it was all under control and at least try to enjoy our time on the ship. This was not going to happen again anytime soon, if ever.
“Yeah. Let’s do that, I agree. Let’s just get dressed and try to have a good time. I’m sure if it was too bad, everyone would be on lockdown or something.”
She brightened up a bit with my saying this. We both went into our luggage and began to start the process of getting changed into our formal dining attire. Before long, I was tying the knot in my tie, and she was putting the final touches on her hair. I walked up behind her in the mirror and held her by the shoulders.
“You look incredible. Let’s go and have the time of our lives.”
She gave me a big smile, and I pulled her in for a kiss. I backed up and held out my arm towards her. As she grabbed onto it, we made our way for the door.
The formal dining room was the most luxurious area on the ship by far. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling. There were large wine racks along many of the walls, and the entire dining room was walled in by the most beautiful windows that I had ever seen. There was an ornate window on the ceiling as well. It was just beginning to get dark, and I was sure that soon we would be able to see the stars all across the sky.
The waiter walked up and asked what we would like to drink. He was dressed in a black vest with a bow tie and a white shirt. I told him that we would take a bottle of wine that he recommended. I also asked him to give me a recommendation for my meal. Once Harper heard his suggestion of parmesan encrusted lamb with asparagus, she decided that she would follow suit.
He brought out some bread with olive oil as a complimentary appetizer to go with our wine. As he poured our first glasses and set the bottle down, I grabbed my glass of wine and held it up toward my beautiful wife. She looked every bit as lovely as the day of our wedding, and I was flooded with a flurry of emotions as I said my toast.
“Here is to 10 amazing years. Every one of them has been an adventure, and I look forward to every year that I’ll be lucky enough to spend with you as we continue that adventure.”
She smiled and blushed ever so slightly as she reached her glass to clink off of mine. We both took a sip, and she responded in a relieved manner.
“That’s the spirit, it is starting to actually feel like a relaxing vacation.”
“Hey, that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? It’s so nice to have a break from work, housework, and all the monotony of the day-to-day. We make a pretty good team through all of that drudgery, though. Don’t you think?”
Suddenly, I saw the smile get wiped from her face. The look that crept onto her face was one of sheer terror. Her glass of wine had been in her hand. When her face went from delight to horror, she tossed it on the ground with a crash. A scream came from deep within her, which was blood-curdling and intimated that absolute ruin was imminent.
I turned toward the spot that she was staring at. I understood all at once the doom that awaited all of us in the dining room. A giant octopus came crashing through the windows near the entrance where we all had arrived, knocking over the many racks of wine as it came and turning the floor as red as blood. Seemingly at the same time, another came from the side closest to the ocean and blocked the only other way out of the dining room into the kitchen.
I grabbed Harper’s arm, and we ran toward the corner as far from the beasts as we could manage. It was pandemonium as the whole dining room erupted into turmoil. I flipped a circle table up against the corner so that Harper and I could try to hide behind it for protection.
I saw one man who ran as fast as he could towards a small opening next to the octopus, who was blocking the main entrance. The creature reached a giant tentacle out for him and pulled him into his beak. There were shrieking howls of pain, unlike anything I have ever heard as blood sprayed out from underneath.
A couple of people were able to dart around as the octopus was distracted. Another unfortunate lady was grabbed by one of the spare tentacles, though. He squeezed her around the throat, and we had to watch as her face turned purple. Eventually, the life was squeezed right from her body.
I held Harper tight as she was sobbing like mad and unable to stop her body from shaking. We saw an opening. The one by the front entrance went toward a group of people on the opposite side of the room. As soon as it did, we bolted for the door. As we drew near, another octopus came crashing through the window on the ceiling, crushing a few unfortunate souls as it joined in the massacre. We kept running until we were well onto the deck.
The chaos did not stop in the dining room. People were running like mad all over the deck. I didn’t know where we would be safe, but I thought that maybe we could lock ourselves in our cabin until we could be rescued from this madness. It was a nice thought, but as we went for the doors, another one of those damn things came down to block our way.
We ran for the area in front of the drive-in style screen where Re-Animator was playing. A man was gibbering to himself in a wild manner and hiding behind a chair. As we drew near, I noticed a tear in the screen as another one came through and snatched the man up as he yelled out for help.
Our options for safety were becoming extremely limited. We ran for the bar where we jumped over the top and hid with a large group of people, peaking over to watch it all unfold. That was when we saw what I knew would be the end of us all. There was an army of them descending upon us. I held Harper tight as we waited on the inevitable.
I watched as a family of three were huddling together in the middle of the deck. They were almost surrounded, but the father pushed the mother and child toward an opening so that they could make it to safety with the rest of us. He let out a guttural cry as they ripped him to shreds. His little girl cried in a high-pitched squeal reaching for him until the mother grabbed her and ran towards us.
The mother was getting close when one of the monstrous creatures came hurtling behind her. As she noticed, she reached out with her daughter. I leaned out over the bar and grabbed onto her as the octopus reached the mother and held her tightly. I was pulling my hardest as the mother was holding on tight, and I hoped that they both might be saved.
I was punching and pulling at the tentacles and doing my best to cause him to let the mother go. She released her daughter, and the others brought her down behind the bar. I wouldn’t let go of her mother’s arms as she cried out in distress.
That was when I heard it. It was the deepest and most powerful sound that I have ever heard. It shook the ship violently. The bottles of liquor and glasses were falling all around us. It was hard to describe the immense strength and power that the sound exhibited all around us. When the sound came, though, something strange began to happen.
The octopus that held the child’s mother released her, and we pulled her behind the bar with us quickly. She fell to her daughter and clutched her tightly as they wept in each other’s arms. All of the creatures began to release the people that they were attacking. They were moving in unison towards the edges of the ship. They crawled over the side, and one by one, they made their way into the ocean.
Once all the monsters had left the ship, the people made their way slowly to the side to see what was happening. For some reason, they were all leaving. As quickly as they had descended upon us, they left us. It appeared to be almost in a synchronized manner. They all were swimming in the same direction, and we watched in disbelief. Nobody aboard this ship would ever be the same if they made it out alive, but many of us were saved by what could only be described as a call. A call that came from something massive, much larger than the creatures that had plagued us. It was a call that came from deep within the ocean and was more monstrous than anything that we could have ever imagined.

COPY PASTA from my post at AirForce!
A Thorough Review of Robins AFB
Hello Everyone,
This is my review of Robins AFB after living here for the past 5 years. Hope you find this helpful!

• Background of Robins: Robins AFB was created in the 1940s, it was named after Brig Gen Augustine Warner Robins. It is centrally located in Middle Georgia and is about 100 miles south of Atlanta. The mission and main reason why the base still exists today is because of the JSTARS radarecon aircraft. Plus, the base provides jobs to over 18K civilians and the city of Warner Robins would not exist if the base closed.
  
• Getting to Base:
  

If you’re familiar with using Google Map/GPS to help you get to a military base, it can be difficult to find an open gate without your GPS telling you to turn/U-Turn into a closed gate!
Put in your GPS, “Martin’s BBQ, 102 S Armed Forces Blvd, Warner Robins, GA 31088.” It will take you to Watson Blvd and to the only 24hr gate; Watson Gate. This is also the gate to get visitor passes for your friends/family.
The other gate you’ll be using a lot is Russell gate which is connected to Russell Pkwy. I’ll be assuming you’re driving from the Atlanta airport, so south of Highway 247. GPS the “Museum of Aviation” and about 100 yards before you arrive at the MoA, exit right to Russell Gate. Note, Russell Gate closes at 2400 (0100 on Fri and Sat only) and opens up at 0430 on weekdays and 0500 on the weekends. Hours subject to change, check online for more specific hours!
Green Gate and MLK Gate are two other notable gates mainly for inbound and outbound traffic in the morning rush/afternoon rush.

• Notable Places on Base:

Bowling Alley: 908 Ninth Street (478-926-2112)
Fitness CenteBase Gym: 826 Eighth Street (478-926-9128)
Fitness Annex/24 Hour Gym: Bldg 301 (478-926-2840)
Finance: 236 Milledgeville Street Suite 526 (478-926-4022)
Heritage Club/Restaurant: 956 Ninth St (Various Numbers)
ITT/Outdoor Recreation: Bldg 984 (Located next to the Main BX) (478-926-4001)
Medical Clinic: 655 Seventh St (478-327-7850 Appointment Line)
MPF/MPS: 660 Macon St (478-327-5666)

• Notable Cities:

Warner Robins - The main city outside of Robins AFB is Warner Robins. WR will be referenced a lot while you are here at Robins. WR can be summed up in a few words as a small-sized southern city with churches and chain restaurants. The city consists of two main counties; Houston (pronounced “House Ton” and not “Hugh’s Town.” People will correct you on this!) and Peach County.
Macon - Located about 15 miles north of Robins AFB/Warner Robins. Macon has a lot of history and is nicknamed the “Heart of Georgia” because it is in the center of GA. Honestly IMO, Macon is pretty ghetto… What happened to Macon is similar to Detroit.. Both places were once thriving industrial cities until their main asset collapsed. You’ll see a lot of abandoned buildings when you drive to downtown Macon. It is pretty sad. There are some nice areas in Macon to visit though, like around Zebulon Road. I’d still recommend going downtown to eat at some nice mom and pop stores. Make sure to never go alone, however.
Savannah - Located about 2 ½ hours to 3 hours South-East/East of Robins. It is the #1 “Most Haunted” city in the United States apparently. It is really fun to visit. Eat seafood and go on some ghost tours while you’re there. The #3 Ice Cream Shop in the U.S. is in Savannah, Leopolds, if you love ice cream. The vibe can be described as a cross between Florida and South Carolina and “hipster-ish” thanks to SCAD there. Be prepared to walk a lot. Free parking on the weekends! Almost every store gives military discounts since there is an Army Base nearby. Give yourself 3 days and 2 nights to really have a grasp and enjoy Savannah.
Atlanta - The capital of GA and the place to be! It is located about 100 miles north of Robins which takes about 2 ½ hours to drive, thanks to the good ol’ Atlanta traffic! There is an abundant amount of things to do and sightsee that I will talk about later in this post.

• Food: For fellow Airmen who’ve been stationed here before, you can probably side with my next statement… And that is the food in WR.... can be described as average southern food with average hospitality across the board. There are some hidden/great gems in WMacon, however…

Owen’s Boarding House is one of my favorite mom and pop stores in WR and it's really close to the base for a quick lunch! Owen’s is an all-you-can-eat lunch-only southern restaurant, dig in those chicken wings! It’s about $10.50, cash only.
The Rookery, in downtown Macon, is one you’ll hear a lot of. It is an old southern/burger joint. The store has a fancy dining upstairs; The Dovetail, if you’re into that.
Martin's BBQ, I referenced it earlier as a good point to locate Robins AFB but it is also a popular BBQ!
WR really loves Mexican food, and so do I! Taco Shed is next to the Museum of Aviation, it is American Mexican food. Salsa’s which is a dining American Mexican restaurant. My Grandma’s Empanadas and Luis for more authentic Mexican food. Cuban Cafe sells pretty good Cuban food. Tacos and More, I wasn't a huge fan of it but one of the comments mentioned it and it does sell $1 tacos, try it out!
Wasn't a fan of Saigon Noodle in WR, its close to base, which is why I believe their portions are small for a Vietnamese place. Plus, the Pho soup has MSG!
Pho Saigon in Macon is great, however. Good portions, and no MSG in their soups!
Stir King is a nice American Chinese place which gives good portions. I am not a fan of the “Japanese” food in WR, better go to Atlanta for real sushi and ramen. Also… screw all of WR’s Hibachi restaurants.
I did not mention any corporate/franchise restaurants since you may already be familiar with them and only want to mention the mom n pop stores.

• Dorm Life: You will be assigned a dorm room with a suite-mate and will have to share a bathroom and kitchen. (Note, not all dorms have a kitchen.) You have to stay in the dorms for at least 3 years TIS and not TOS, which is good.

They’re also “Senior Airmen” dorms for Airmen who’ve stayed longer in the dorms. Essentially, a SrA dorm is a larger dorm with no suite-mate and no kitchen. If the dorms have no availability, Airmen with the longest TOS (Time-on-Station) will be allowed to leave early. You can ask regularly if the dorms are full and maybe you can leave ahead of others.
Certain circumstances can allow you to leave the dorms early such as being a mature age (like over the age of 30) or being married but your spouse is currently living elsewhere due to service, school, etc.
My personal experience: I lived in the dorms and I would describe the overall experience as “okay.” It can be hit or miss with a good suite-mate and your dorm might have mold in them... I didn’t though. Typically activities of dorm airmen include going clubbing, the gym, and/or playing video games. Overall, I enjoyed living in the dorms because of the access to network with other Airmen, not cooking my own food, because of the DEFAC, and friends were just close by.

• Housing: If you’re looking to buy/rent a house, make sure to DYOR and see it’s what you like. The BAH rate for the local area is... fair. If you choose to live by yourself you can make $100-200 extra a month based on where you choose to stay. Very common to find a roommate so you can start pocketing anywhere from $300 to $400.

I lived in Warner Robins after I moved off base from the dorms, and the area was okay. Generally speaking, the further you live off base, (and this goes for all military bases) the safer the environment becomes.
If you’re wanting to live in a nicer area and/or have kids. Look into living in cities Kathleen and/or Bonaire. The area and school system (like Houston County High School) is much nicer than the rest of the public school system.
Cities like Perry and Bryon have far commutes of at least 20 minutes but can be described as “rural” if like not knowing your neighbors.
IMO, please do yourself a favor and do not live off or near Green St. (Hint. It’s right off Green St Gate!) I would also not recommend living in Macon. Imma be real and say Macon is pretty ghetto in most parts of the city (unless you live off Zebulon Rd) and the commute to work is going to be at least 20 mins to work. Edit: Forgot to mention Riverside in Macon. It is still relatively new and the area is nice and so are the neighborhoods. The Riverside Mall is an outdoor mall, very safe and clean. Don't go to the Macon Mall, however.
Essentially, South-West of Warner Robins is the best place to live. Where Feagin Mill Rd and Highway 96 is.

• Base Housing: Base Housing has really tanked in the last few years, and I mean... the ABW Wing Commander, Command Chief, and multiple First Shirts were involved recently with Base Housing because living conditions have been subpar. Mold has been breaking out in some houses and maintenance work orders take weeks to a few months to resolve. Of course, this is only happening for the Turner Park residency (cough where the Enlisted stay cough) The Officers housing is very nice, however. Now, with that being said, it’s still a 3-month wait to get base housing because of the simplicity and not having to worry about finding a house, short commute to work, safety, etc.

Off Base Housing community is called Huntington Chase, it’s ghetto from what my co-workers have told me as they’ve gunshots go off frequently and cars are breaking into. Off-Base housing is open to civilians and not just military.

• Things To Do:

Coca Cola Factory - Entry is free for military (does not include dependents) and it is a nice place to go on a date. Try flavors of coke from around the world!
Aquarium - IMO, the experience felt it was geared towards children, I would only pay during special military days because $33 is not worth the visit!
Atlanta Zoo - Never been but it is another sight seeing opportunity.
Dragon Con - A.K.A. “Comic Con of the East.” Where 80k of your “best friends” come meet in a 4-day comic/pop culture/movie/ convention which spans across 5 hotels! Most people get turned off when they hear “comic” as they associate this con with sweaty nerds… Well, they aren’t wrong! But I can guarantee you’ll be missing out if you did not attend this con at least once while you’re at Robins. Even if you don’t love comics, movies, anime, or pop culture (who doesn’t like at least one of the 4?) you can open drink in public for the duration of the con! It is always during Labor Day weekend every year. And if you don’t mind paying for the price of a host hotel, they’re worth it. Good luck because they get booked fast!
Anime Weekend Atlanta - An Anime Con that specializes on having Japanese pop/rock stars to play in the con!
MomoCon - An Anime Con that specializes in 24hour gaming/arcade gaming for the entire weekend!
Ponce City Market - A hipster food and shopping market that used an abandoned factory as their shopping district. Please do yourself a favor and park in Ponce City Market’s parking and not try to get “free” parking from the plaza across the street. You’ll get a “boot” on your car when you come back and have to pay a fine… Ask me how I figured that out...
Caffeine and Octane - A huge car meet in Atlanta that meets regularly.
Mardi Gras: The drive to Louisiana is about 6 hours but I know some Airmen who made the trip to be there for Mardi Gras.
Florida: The drive will take at least 3 hours to cross the Florida border. Florida is fun, do I need to say more?
Professional Sports: Altanta Hawks, Braves, and Falcons! Look for special discounts near Veterans days like Hoops for Troops. The Falco
Don’t forget to check the ITT office for free or reduce price activities for “single Airmen!” Seriously, I’ve gone skydiving, deep sea fishing, paintballing, etc for free or reduced prices! 50% of Disney Park passes!
Obviously, there are more things to do than the list I provided, DYOR and maybe you’ll find a place and/or hidden gem you’ll love!

• Nightlife: Go to Downtown Macon for entry level clubs like the Crazy Bull. It’s free for the military to get in. They are always new clubs opening and small clubs closing. Try them all! First Fridays of the month are pretty lit. For the rest of the month, the clubs are kinda empty unless it's a special day like Halloween or St Patricks. Again, don’t go by yourself when you go to downtown Macon. If you and a couple of friends want a better club experience, carpool to Atlanta and go clubbing there. Other than that, there isn’t a strong club scene while being in Middle GA.
  
• Closing Thoughts:
  

A lot of your co-workers will most likely talk crap about Robins. Well, they’re probably the same salty Airmen who put Robins AFB, 9th, on their dream sheet and how trying to figure out how Eglin or Macdill wasn’t chosen even though it was #1 and #3 on their dream sheet. But even if they aren’t those types of Airmen.... Robins is one of those “what you make of it bases.”
You. Yes you, Airman, have to create your own experiences and be willing to leave your dorm and not be a dorm rat to make memories at Robins. This base isn’t centrally located to anything known for “fun” like all the bases in San Antonio, all Florida bases, Travis, Keesler and the casinos, etc. Even that hot A1C still has to make an effort to venture out and explore new roads and can’t rely on other people to do it for them.
“Robins-ism.” For whatever reason, “Robin-ism” is basically AFIs and the proper order of how to do things in the Air Force... does not apply the same for Robins. You’ll hear a lot of “that’s not how we did that at my last base.” People say it's because the amount of civilians outnumbers the military 3:1. And with that, if the civilians don’t like the AFI/protocol, it will slowly but surely die out and a “Robin-ism” method of how to do things soon takes over. I am not blaming the large civilian population, it is just what Airmen accept is the reason why some people on this base can be lazy at times.
Allergies. If you never experienced allergies or have in the past. Well, Warner Robins has a surprise for you... Seriously, you could potentially suffer from bad allergies.
I hope you found this review helpful if you're incoming to Robins whether it'd be a PCS or TDY, or if you just wanted to read my review.
Edit: Added more info.
Edit 2: I have since PCSed from Robins in 2020.

Hello Everyone,
This is my review of Robins AFB after living here for the past 5 years. Hope you find this helpful!

• Background of Robins: Robins AFB was created in the 1940s, it was named after Brig Gen Augustine Warner Robins. It is centrally located in Middle Georgia and is about 100 miles south of Atlanta. The mission and main reason why the base still exists today is because of the JSTARS radarecon aircraft. Plus, the base provides jobs to over 18K civilians and the city of Warner Robins would not exist if the base closed.
  
• Getting to Base:
  

If you’re familiar with using Google Map/GPS to help you get to a military base, it can be difficult to find an open gate without your GPS telling you to turn/U-Turn into a closed gate!
Put in your GPS, “Martin’s BBQ, 102 S Armed Forces Blvd, Warner Robins, GA 31088.” It will take you to Watson Blvd and to the only 24hr gate; Watson Gate. This is also the gate to get visitor passes for your friends/family.
The other gate you’ll be using a lot is Russell gate which is connected to Russell Pkwy. I’ll be assuming you’re driving from the Atlanta airport, so south of Highway 247. GPS the “Museum of Aviation” and about 100 yards before you arrive at the MoA, exit right to Russell Gate. Note, Russell Gate closes at 2400 (0100 on Fri and Sat only) and opens up at 0430 on weekdays and 0500 on the weekends. Hours subject to change, check online for more specific hours!
Green Gate and MLK Gate are two other notable gates mainly for inbound and outbound traffic in the morning rush/afternoon rush.

• Notable Places on Base:

Bowling Alley: 908 Ninth Street (478-926-2112)
Fitness CenteBase Gym: 826 Eighth Street (478-926-9128)
Fitness Annex/24 Hour Gym: Bldg 301 (478-926-2840)
Finance: 236 Milledgeville Street Suite 526 (478-926-4022)
Heritage Club/Restaurant: 956 Ninth St (Various Numbers)
ITT/Outdoor Recreation: Bldg 984 (Located next to the Main BX) (478-926-4001)
Medical Clinic: 655 Seventh St (478-327-7850 Appointment Line)
MPF/MPS: 660 Macon St (478-327-5666)

• Notable Cities:

Warner Robins - The main city outside of Robins AFB is Warner Robins. WR will be referenced a lot while you are here at Robins. WR can be summed up in a few words as a small-sized southern city with churches and chain restaurants. The city consists of two main counties; Houston (pronounced “House Ton” and not “Hugh’s Town.” People will correct you on this!) and Peach County.
Macon - Located about 15 miles north of Robins AFB/Warner Robins. Macon has a lot of history and is nicknamed the “Heart of Georgia” because it is in the center of GA. Honestly IMO, Macon is pretty ghetto… What happened to Macon is similar to Detroit.. Both places were once thriving industrial cities until their main asset collapsed. You’ll see a lot of abandoned buildings when you drive to downtown Macon. It is pretty sad. There are some nice areas in Macon to visit though, like around Zebulon Road. I’d still recommend going downtown to eat at some nice mom and pop stores. Make sure to never go alone, however.
Savannah - Located about 2 ½ hours to 3 hours South-East/East of Robins. It is the #1 “Most Haunted” city in the United States apparently. It is really fun to visit. Eat seafood and go on some ghost tours while you’re there. The #3 Ice Cream Shop in the U.S. is in Savannah, Leopolds, if you love ice cream. The vibe can be described as a cross between Florida and South Carolina and “hipster-ish” thanks to SCAD there. Be prepared to walk a lot. Free parking on the weekends! Almost every store gives military discounts since there is an Army Base nearby. Give yourself 3 days and 2 nights to really have a grasp and enjoy Savannah.
Atlanta - The capital of GA and the place to be! It is located about 100 miles north of Robins which takes about 2 ½ hours to drive, thanks to the good ol’ Atlanta traffic! There is an abundant amount of things to do and sightsee that I will talk about later in this post.

• Food: For fellow Airmen who’ve been stationed here before, you can probably side with my next statement… And that is the food in WR.... can be described as average southern food with average hospitality across the board. There are some hidden/great gems in WMacon, however…

Owen’s Boarding House is one of my favorite mom and pop stores in WR and it's really close to the base for a quick lunch! Owen’s is an all-you-can-eat lunch-only southern restaurant, dig in those chicken wings! It’s about $10.50, cash only.
The Rookery, in downtown Macon, is one you’ll hear a lot of. It is an old southern/burger joint. The store has a fancy dining upstairs; The Dovetail, if you’re into that.
Martin's BBQ, I referenced it earlier as a good point to locate Robins AFB but it is also a popular BBQ!
WR really loves Mexican food, and so do I! Taco Shed is next to the Museum of Aviation, it is American Mexican food. Salsa’s which is a dining American Mexican restaurant. My Grandma’s Empanadas and Luis for more authentic Mexican food. Cuban Cafe sells pretty good Cuban food. Tacos and More, I wasn't a huge fan of it but one of the comments mentioned it and it does sell $1 tacos, try it out!
Wasn't a fan of Saigon Noodle in WR, its close to base, which is why I believe their portions are small for a Vietnamese place. Plus, the Pho soup has MSG!
Pho Saigon in Macon is great, however. Good portions, and no MSG in their soups!
Stir King is a nice American Chinese place which gives good portions. I am not a fan of the “Japanese” food in WR, better go to Atlanta for real sushi and ramen. Also… screw all of WR’s Hibachi restaurants.
I did not mention any corporate/franchise restaurants since you may already be familiar with them and only want to mention the mom n pop stores.

• Dorm Life: You will be assigned a dorm room with a suite-mate and will have to share a bathroom and kitchen. (Note, not all dorms have a kitchen.) You have to stay in the dorms for at least 3 years TIS and not TOS, which is good.

They’re also “Senior Airmen” dorms for Airmen who’ve stayed longer in the dorms. Essentially, a SrA dorm is a larger dorm with no suite-mate and no kitchen. If the dorms have no availability, Airmen with the longest TOS (Time-on-Station) will be allowed to leave early. You can ask regularly if the dorms are full and maybe you can leave ahead of others.
Certain circumstances can allow you to leave the dorms early such as being a mature age (like over the age of 30) or being married but your spouse is currently living elsewhere due to service, school, etc.
My personal experience: I lived in the dorms and I would describe the overall experience as “okay.” It can be hit or miss with a good suite-mate and your dorm might have mold in them... I didn’t though. Typically activities of dorm airmen include going clubbing, the gym, and/or playing video games. Overall, I enjoyed living in the dorms because of the access to network with other Airmen, not cooking my own food, because of the DEFAC, and friends were just close by.

• Housing: If you’re looking to buy/rent a house, make sure to DYOR and see it’s what you like. The BAH rate for the local area is... fair. If you choose to live by yourself you can make $100-200 extra a month based on where you choose to stay. Very common to find a roommate so you can start pocketing anywhere from $300 to $400.

I lived in Warner Robins after I moved off base from the dorms, and the area was okay. Generally speaking, the further you live off base, (and this goes for all military bases) the safer the environment becomes.
If you’re wanting to live in a nicer area and/or have kids. Look into living in cities Kathleen and/or Bonaire. The area and school system (like Houston County High School) is much nicer than the rest of the public school system.
Cities like Perry and Bryon have far commutes of at least 20 minutes but can be described as “rural” if like not knowing your neighbors.
IMO, please do yourself a favor and do not live off or near Green St. (Hint. It’s right off Green St Gate!) I would also not recommend living in Macon. Imma be real and say Macon is pretty ghetto in most parts of the city (unless you live off Zebulon Rd) and the commute to work is going to be at least 20 mins to work. Edit: Forgot to mention Riverside in Macon. It is still relatively new and the area is nice and so are the neighborhoods. The Riverside Mall is an outdoor mall, very safe and clean. Don't go to the Macon Mall, however.
Essentially, South-West of Warner Robins is the best place to live. Where Feagin Mill Rd and Highway 96 is.

• Base Housing: Base Housing has really tanked in the last few years, and I mean... the ABW Wing Commander, Command Chief, and multiple First Shirts were involved recently with Base Housing because living conditions have been subpar. Mold has been breaking out in some houses and maintenance work orders take weeks to a few months to resolve. Of course, this is only happening for the Turner Park residency (cough where the Enlisted stay cough) The Officers housing is very nice, however. Now, with that being said, it’s still a 3-month wait to get base housing because of the simplicity and not having to worry about finding a house, short commute to work, safety, etc.

Off Base Housing community is called Huntington Chase, it’s ghetto from what my co-workers have told me as they’ve gunshots go off frequently and cars are breaking into. Off-Base housing is open to civilians and not just military.

• Things To Do:

Coca Cola Factory - Entry is free for military (does not include dependents) and it is a nice place to go on a date. Try flavors of coke from around the world!
Aquarium - IMO, the experience felt it was geared towards children, I would only pay during special military days because $33 is not worth the visit!
Atlanta Zoo - Never been but it is another sight seeing opportunity.
Dragon Con - A.K.A. “Comic Con of the East.” Where 80k of your “best friends” come meet in a 4-day comic/pop culture/movie/ convention which spans across 5 hotels! Most people get turned off when they hear “comic” as they associate this con with sweaty nerds… Well, they aren’t wrong! But I can guarantee you’ll be missing out if you did not attend this con at least once while you’re at Robins. Even if you don’t love comics, movies, anime, or pop culture (who doesn’t like at least one of the 4?) you can open drink in public for the duration of the con! It is always during Labor Day weekend every year. And if you don’t mind paying for the price of a host hotel, they’re worth it. Good luck because they get booked fast!
Anime Weekend Atlanta - An Anime Con that specializes on having Japanese pop/rock stars to play in the con!
MomoCon - An Anime Con that specializes in 24hour gaming/arcade gaming for the entire weekend!
Ponce City Market - A hipster food and shopping market that used an abandoned factory as their shopping district. Please do yourself a favor and park in Ponce City Market’s parking and not try to get “free” parking from the plaza across the street. You’ll get a “boot” on your car when you come back and have to pay a fine… Ask me how I figured that out...
Caffeine and Octane - A huge car meet in Atlanta that meets regularly.
Mardi Gras: The drive to Louisiana is about 6 hours but I know some Airmen who made the trip to be there for Mardi Gras.
Florida: The drive will take at least 3 hours to cross the Florida border. Florida is fun, do I need to say more?
Professional Sports: Altanta Hawks, Braves, and Falcons! Look for special discounts near Veterans days like Hoops for Troops. The Falco
Don’t forget to check the ITT office for free or reduce price activities for “single Airmen!” Seriously, I’ve gone skydiving, deep sea fishing, paintballing, etc for free or reduced prices! 50% of Disney Park passes!
Obviously, there are more things to do than the list I provided, DYOR and maybe you’ll find a place and/or hidden gem you’ll love!

• Nightlife: Go to Downtown Macon for entry level clubs like the Crazy Bull. It’s free for the military to get in. They are always new clubs opening and small clubs closing. Try them all! First Fridays of the month are pretty lit. For the rest of the month, the clubs are kinda empty unless it's a special day like Halloween or St Patricks. Again, don’t go by yourself when you go to downtown Macon. If you and a couple of friends want a better club experience, carpool to Atlanta and go clubbing there. Other than that, there isn’t a strong club scene while being in Middle GA.
  
• Closing Thoughts:
  

A lot of your co-workers will most likely talk crap about Robins. Well, they’re probably the same salty Airmen who put Robins AFB, 9th, on their dream sheet and how trying to figure out how Eglin or Macdill wasn’t chosen even though it was #1 and #3 on their dream sheet. But even if they aren’t those types of Airmen.... Robins is one of those “what you make of it bases.”
You. Yes you, Airman, have to create your own experiences and be willing to leave your dorm and not be a dorm rat to make memories at Robins. This base isn’t centrally located to anything known for “fun” like all the bases in San Antonio, all Florida bases, Travis, Keesler and the casinos, etc. Even that hot A1C still has to make an effort to venture out and explore new roads and can’t rely on other people to do it for them.
“Robins-ism.” For whatever reason, “Robin-ism” is basically AFIs and the proper order of how to do things in the Air Force... does not apply the same for Robins. You’ll hear a lot of “that’s not how we did that at my last base.” People say it's because the amount of civilians outnumbers the military 3:1. And with that, if the civilians don’t like the AFI/protocol, it will slowly but surely die out and a “Robin-ism” method of how to do things soon takes over. I am not blaming the large civilian population, it is just what Airmen accept is the reason why some people on this base can be lazy at times.
Allergies. If you never experienced allergies or have in the past. Well, Warner Robins has a surprise for you... Seriously, you could potentially suffer from bad allergies.
I hope you found this review helpful if you're incoming to Robins whether it'd be a PCS or TDY, or if you just wanted to read my review.
Edit: Added more info.

One more roundup before we leave, alas. Regions are still super approximate. I updated some previous rankings as well.
Tallies: 137 in the Denver metro; 66 in the rest of the Front Range; 33 in the rest of the state. We've visited a total of 236 breweries, cideries, and meaderies in Colorado.

The Rest of the Front Range

• 300 Suns (Longmont): This brewery served me both a smoked cherry sour (YES) and a red ale with a distinct barf aroma, so I'm really split here. Overall, I'm not excited.
• Avery (Boulder): Say what you will about their distributed lineup, but their taproom has some of the cooler small-batch brews out there. We got to attend their invitational twice; it's one of the best beer fests around.
• Berthoud Brewing (Berthoud): The better of two options in this tiny town. That's not saying much.
• Black Bottle (Fort Collins): Big tap list with lots of variety, usually good, sometimes uneven. I once found a lichtenhainer on tap here. I may have squealed.
• Black Forest (Black Forest): Surprisingly good brewery in a tiny forest town just outside the Springs. Better-than-expected beers, sizeable lineup, nice people.
• Brues Alehouse (Pueblo): I guess they're the best thing I've found in Pueblo, but that's a backhanded compliment if ever I gave one.
• Buckhorn (Loveland, RIP): A brewery the size of a small living room with 4-5 beers on tap. The brewer came and chatted with us for a while and seemed like a super nice guy. They made some really cool stuff, including a no-boil, no-hop lacto stout that blew my mind. They shut down not long after we went.
• Cerberus (Colorado Springs): A highlight in the Springs with very good food, too.
• City Star (Berthoud): Nice tap list on their website seems to be months old. Neither of us cared for their actual lineup much.
• Cogstone (Colorado Springs): Friends told us to go to try their chips 'n' salsa beer, which, yes, does taste like chips 'n' salsa. We didn't love anything here.
• Colorado Mountain Brewery at the Roundhouse (Colorado Springs, multiple locations): Bland gastropub with blah beer.
• DC Oakes (Fort Collins): Standard-issue brewpub with its own beer. Nothing to write home about.
• Dostal Alley Casino & Brewpub (Central City): Central City is a gorgeous Old West mountain town where the soulless casinos now seem to outnumber any sort of non-sleazy business. Naturally, when we found a casino with a built-in brewpub boasting GABF medals for their dry stout, we went. Unsurprisingly, the place was sleazy and crappy, with a few phoning-it-in beers and slot machines built into the bar.
• Dratz (Loveland): They were brand new when we visited, and very nice. The beer was... not good. Hope they work out their initial difficulties.
• Echo Brewing (Frederick): Just three weeks after visiting, I remember nothing at all about this brewery, but my Untappd ratings of their handful of run-of-the-mill styles were low. Evidently I wasn't impressed.
• Elevation (Poncha Springs): Does this still qualify as the Front Range? I flippin' adore Elevation, makers of the single best pilsner I've ever had. One of the very best middle-of-nowhere, small-town breweries I've been to.
• Elizabeth Brewing (Elizabeth): Small-town brewery in conservative Douglas County. Pretty meh throughout.
• Equinox (Fort Collins): Pretty good, nothing amazing.
• Estes Park Brewery (Estes Park): Unremarkable.
• Fieldhouse (Colorado Springs): Everything was really middlin'. Tons of dogs, which is always a bonus for me.
• Finkel & Garf (Boulder): Solid, but didn't live up to the hype for me. Seems like they just play it ultra-safe.
• Florence (Florence): Solid with a large tap list in a tiny town far off the beaten path.
• Fossil (Colorado Springs): Solid, but unexciting. Super duper nice people.
• Funkwerks (Fort Collins): Oh, hell yeah.
• Gilded Goat (Fort Collins): Nice, not amazing.
• Goat Patch (Colorado Springs): We finally visited when we were stuck in the Springs after a blizzard closed all roads back to Denver. Pretty good, not amazing brewery in what looks like a former high school converted to gentrified hipster mall space.
• Gold Camp (Colorado Springs, apparently no website): We felt a bit guilty because we got to meet their fabulously nice brewer, but just didn't care for their beers. They seemed closer to homebrew quality at the moment.
• Great Storm (Colorado Springs, RIP): Really nice with some unusual styles and creative ideas. Friendly people. Closed soon after our visit; now Atrevida Brewing.
• Grimm Brothers (Loveland): Cool taproom, some really nice beers.
• Grossen Bart (Longmont): I was kind of disappointed. A lot of beers seemed really off style or just unremarkable.
• Gunbarrel (Boulder): Good IPAs and a nice rosemary beer.
• High Hops (Windsor): Gorgeous patio with view of hop field and gardening center, with a small distillery attached. The beer isdecent, not remarkable.
• Industrial Revolution (Erie): I wanted to like them, based on their shtick. I think we left all of our beers unfinished. Nope.
• Intersect (Fort Collins): Unabashed hipster taproom with piles of old records. Nice folks. Beer generally good, nothing great.
• Iron Bird (Colorado Springs): Nice, but largely unremarkable.
• Jessup Farm Barrel House (Fort Collins): My surprise favorite find on our second CO vacation and one of the very best wild/sour breweries around.
• Kettle & Spoke (Boulder): We kind of just wound up here because they're down the street from Redstone. We found a tiny taproom inside a bike shop with some of the best IPAs in recent memory, and a fantastically nice brewer who offered us an impromptu tour of the production space.
• Left Hand (Longmont): They're exceptionally solid, and I wish they'd strut their stuff a little more. Their Juju series of ginger brews has a special place in my heart.
• Local Relic (Colorado Springs): An experimental brewery in a gorgeous old church that prides itself on never making the same beer twice. They blew our minds the first time we went, and we were in their expensive-ass beer club for a while. Their "no repeats" philosophy unfortunately means that they frequently have several super similar batches on tap at once, a lot of their beers could really use a trial run, and they often bottle things before they're ready. After a few too many bottle bombs and undrinkable yeast shakes, we pretty much stopped going.
• Locust Cider (Boulder): The standard cidery model where everything's inoffensive and the business model is "bring that friend who doesn't do gluten." I just don't care about this form of cider at this point, but they do it just as well as everyone else.
• Loveland Aleworks (Loveland): We like Verboten more, but these guys are another fabulous Loveland spot.
• McClellan's (Fort Collins): I don't care much for British styles, but we enjoyed the beer, food, and a great conversation with a member of the brewing family here.
• Nano 108 (Colorado Springs): Tiny taproom that we really liked in 2015. We went back in 2018 and found some stellar options (their rauchbier omggggggg) and several brews with off-flavor issues. Come for the German styles here; I'm not crazy about their IPAs.
• New Belgium (Fort Collins): Did the tour, visited the taproom. They seem like a good company that just embraces inoffensiveness a bit too hard. Then they sold out, and now I haven't bought anything from them in years.
• The Old Mine (Erie): Good cidery in a gorgeous old brick building in a tiny town.
• Open Door (Longmont): Had good lagers and saisons here. Super nice people in a chill spot.
• Periodic (Leadville): At 11k+ feet, this must be the highest craft brewery we've visited. OK beer, spotty service.
• Phantom Canyon (Colorado Springs): Great beer and service the first time we came, mediocre at best the second time, and only OK ever since. Food is pretty good.
• Redstone (Boulder): Likely the biggest of the tiny handful of meaderies currently in CO. Their stuff trends sweeter than I like, but they have some cool varieties (sunflower mead = yes) and wonderful taproom staff.
• Rocky Mountain (Colorado Springs): Long-running brewery on the outskirts of the Springs. Some sugary sours and hard lemonades that weren't up my alley, along with a very good barleywine. We chatted with the brewmaster for a while, who was a super nice guy.
• Royal Gorge (Cañon City): The only brewery in town and one of few places to grab a bite. They only had one or two of their own beers, which were homebrew quality. Keep driving.
• Shamrock (Pueblo): Like everything about Pueblo, this place was a total disappointment.
• Soulcraft (Salida): Another pretty good small-town brewery a few miles from Elevation.
• St. Vrain (Longmont): Really excellent cidery with multiple ginger ciders and great guest taps.
• Timnath Beerwerks (Timnath): Extremely solid, nice people. They're also more or less down the street from the Swetsville Zoo, one of my favorite roadside attractions in the state.
• Tommyknocker (Idaho Springs): Gimmicky and never better than all right. Two blocks from Westbound & Down, which is the indisputably better option.
• Trinity (Colorado Springs): I've no idea how it took me several years to get to the only brett-focused brewery I've ever found. Huge, consistently good tap and bottle list, great food with good veg options, nice staff. My best brewery find in the Springs to date. They sold in 2020, and we haven't been back since.
• Twisted Pine (Boulder): Solid with some interesting ideas, including a good basil beer.
• Uhl (Boulder): They took over Wild Woods' space in 2020 and opened during the shutdown. They had a few promising weird options, including an unexpectedly lovely peanut butter beer.
• Verboten (Loveland): Our absolute favorite in town. Creative, irreverent, and spot-on.
• WeldWerks (Greeley): I fussed for so long about wanting to come here that it was inevitably kind of a letdown when we finally went. Their beers are good, make no mistake, but definitely not "drive an hour and a half to get it" good.
• Westbound & Down (Idaho Springs): Another hypey place. The beer, food, and service were all good on our first visit but sorta uneven on subsequent trips.
• Wild Cider (Longmont): Standard-issue, above-average cider. Lovely outdoor seating with a gorgeous mountain view.
• Wild Woods (Boulder, RIP): We stumbled in during their anniversary party and loved them. Their smoked yam beer rocked my world. They sadly closed in 2019.
• Wiley Roots (Greeley): ... and now I'm going to contradict the above statement re: WeldWerks directly. Wiley Roots, just around the corner from the above, is worth that drive. Their wild ales are lovely, and while their adjunct stouts can be hit and miss, they're immensely solid overall. Massive pluses include an unusually nice taproom crew, a fluffy brew cat with her own Instagram account (@midnightbrewcat), and the lovely Syntax Distillery next door.
• Zwei (Fort Collins): Kicks the crap out of Denver's Prost as far as I'm concerned. Good beer, great people.

The Rest of Colorado (South, West, Central)

Current category tally: 33

• Angry James (Silverthorne): Pretty much anywhere I go on the way home from the stellar Outer Range isn't really going to get my heart rate up, but we enjoyed our stop here.
• Animas (Durango): Nice and solid; nothing exciting here. Food isn't great.
• BierWerks (Woodland Park): Most of their taps were other people's beers, and the couple of in-house brews we managed to try ranged from so-so to not good. Oh, and they have a Nazi map on the wall for some damn reason!? Ute Pass across the street is an all-around better option.
• Breckenridge (Breckenridge): Macro brewery in the "guess you have to go once" category. The beer was exceedingly mediocre, food was so-so.
• BREW Pub & Kitchen (Durango): My favorite in Durango tbh. Oh, and their food is good, too.
• Broken Compass (Breckenridge): Solid.
• Carver (Durango): Nice people, good brunch. Their beer won't blow your mind, but it's usually solid.
• Casey Brewing and Blending (Glenwood Springs): We bought tour tickets and made a weekend trip out just to go to Casey. My affection for sours is on a steep downward slope, but Casey is stellar, and the tour was delightful and totally worth doing.
• Colorado Vineyards/Rocky Mountain Winery (Palisade): Including them here because they make a lot of mead, which I like, but don't love.
• Eddyline (Buena Vista): Middlin', IPA-focused place in the horrifically named Byoona Vista.
• Glenwood Canyon (Glenwood Springs): One of those breweries that only seem to stay in business because they have a central spot in a tourist town. Nothing interesting here.
• Guanella Pass (Georgetown): Most of the beers we tried were yeasty af. No love from me.
• High Alpine (Gunnison): We stopped here after a trip to Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, out of our minds with natural beauty. The beer was, unsurprisingly, nothing to write home about, but the food was outstanding and the staff was delightful.
• Highside (Frisco): It's hard to look good when you share a ZIP code with Outer Range. Run-of-the-mill small-town brewery with food, nothing to write home about.
• Mad Jack's Mountain Brewing (Bailey): We pulled off 285 here one afternoon to get out of the rain. Small tap list and tiny tap room, but pretty good beer and a killer food truck out back.
• Main Street (Cortez): Another small-town brewery with not much going.
• Meadery of the Rockies (Palisade): The better Palisade meadery. Again, they like their mead sweeter and gloopier than I do, but it's lovely in small quantities.
• Mr. Grumpy Pants/Ourayle House (Ouray): I like the guy and his shtick a bit more than the beer, but it's definitely the better brewery in town.
• Ouray Brewery (Ouray): The douchey tourist trap option in beautiful Ouray.
• Outer Range (Frisco): The hype is real. ORB makes hands down the best NEIPAs I've ever had, and a stunning range of them. "Downside:" NEIPAs are basically all they do. They have a couple of Belgians, but if you're not into hazy IPAs, this place really isn't for you.
• Palisade Brewing (Palisade): Solid, unexciting.
• Paradox (Divide): One of the best sour-focused breweries around. They may have the most stunning mountain view of any brewery I've been in this state, and that's saying a lot.
• Riff Raff (Pagosa Springs): One of those breweries where they put your pint down in front of you, you take one sip, and you're ready to head out.
• Rockslide (Grand Junction): Nice space, so-so beer.
• San Luis Valley (Alamosa): We stopped here on our way back from my birthday trip in 2019, which coincided with a blizzard that shut down the entire Denver metro. Their beer and food were forgettable, but the fact that I was worried sick about getting home to our pets (we didn't until 24 hours later) the whole time we were there didn't help matters.
• South Park (Fairplay): We stopped here to escape a crazy cloudburst. Beer was OK, food was OK, neither was anything I really need again.
• Steamworks (Durango): Ranges from really good to barely decent. Decent food.
• Telluride Brewing (you guessed it - Telluride): Quite good brewery with nice people in one of the more picturesque mountain towns out there.
• Three Barrel (Del Norte): Ah, Colorado. Where else do towns of 1,700 in the middle of nowhere have breweries with sahtis and sours on the menu?
• Two Rascals (Montrose): Unremarkable.
• Ute Pass (Woodland Park, RIP): This brewery had four different wits on tap, including two black wits.
• Vino Salida (Salida): Yes, tiny Salida and Poncha Springs have two good breweries, a distillery, and a meadery. Dayum.
• Wolfe (Pagosa Springs): Pleasant small-town brewery.

Expect lots of temperature checks and one-way routes. ‘As we experienced in China, this will be a journey.’
Wearable social-distancing buzzers. Masked blackjack dealers. Drive-thru electronics purchases. From cubicles to factory floors, cafes to clothing boutiques, businesses around the world are dreaming up creative ways to reopen, attempting to start revenue flowing again while minimizing the risk to customers and employees.
The global economy is riding on their ability to pull off that delicate balance. A new flareup of Covid-19 cases could shutter offices, stores, restaurants and manufacturing plants once again, further choking off the flow of goods and services and threatening more jobs. Some governments, such as China, are providing rigorous oversight of the process. Others, including President Donald Trump’s administration, have offered looser guidance and are entrusting businesses to monitor their facilities. Scientists are still studying how the virus is spread, and whether keeping people six feet apart is enough, adding to the risks.
The companies’ plans rely on a steady supply of masks, gloves, thermometers and tests that is likely to strain budgets and manufacturers’ ability to keep up. Social distancing will be built in, with people divided by barriers and kept apart from colleagues and customers, a U-turn after years of movement toward open floor plans. Some companies will monitor employees more closely than ever before, while others will let workers choose how much protection they need. The way we work, shop, travel and eat in 2020 – and probably beyond – is being plotted out in boardrooms around the world.
Here are the changes companies are contemplating for their workplaces in the coming weeks.

The Office

Seats on the shuttle bus to Unilever’s Shanghai offices can be reserved using a chat group. Employees must be masked to board, and they sit on alternating sides, one person to each four-seat row. Upon arrival, each worker scans a QR code and fills out a health status report to get a daily pass to enter. Then comes the temperature check and the hand sanitizer.
Inside the office, movement is tightly regulated. Employees keep their masks on and are encouraged to use the stairs instead of the elevator, with spritzes of hand sanitizer before and after touching the regularly disinfected handrail. In the canteen, a single person is allowed at each four-seat table.
Such measures might seem predictable in a centrally controlled society like China, but some version of them is starting to appear in the West. At Britain’s former state phone monopoly, BT Group Plc, call center workers sit two meters apart, and walkways are designated as one-way to keep people from brushing past each other. Temperature checks are becoming routine at Sistema, the Russian conglomerate, which also says it’s developed its own two-hour test for Covid-19. Employees who come to the office have been tested in the past couple of weeks, though as many as half of the call center workers at MTS, the mobile network controlled by Sistema, are operating out of their homes.

More Room

Flexible space operator Knotel, which runs offices for corporations including Uber and Netflix, says workplace design has to change. Offices will likely be less densely populated, and altered to make them “antiviral,” according to Amol Sarva, Knotel’s chief executive officer.
“Things like ventilation, UV light, density screening, video monitoring, and temperature monitoring, cleaning protocols — those are all going to have to change,” he said. “Certainly there’ll be more space.”
In China, Cushman & Wakefield has helped move nearly a million workers back into 800 million square feet (74 million square meters) of office space. The company is creating a Recovery Readiness manual for landlords and tenants, based in part on its experience in China, that includes colored carpets to create visual boundaries around desks, plexiglass shields between desks that face each other and signs that direct walking traffic in a single direction.

Fewer Meetings

Even when people do come back to the office, meetings will be limited, and large gatherings are out of the question. This week, Facebook Inc. CEO Mark Zuckerberg canceled all physical events of 50 or more people through June 2021. The vast majority of employees are required to work from home through May, and those who need to carry on doing so will be able to work at home through the summer.
The road to normalcy may be much longer than that. At Abcam Plc, a British protein research company, 40 out of 300 China-based employees started returning to work in Beijing, Shanghai, Hangzhou and Hong Kong on Feb. 14. Two months later, the company is running split shifts to maintain distancing for the roughly 50% of employees based in manufacturing, logistics and essential lab work.

The Factory

On Feb. 10, Winly Automotive (Wuhan) Ltd. was assigned a checklist from the government. To reopen, the company would be required to have a one-month stash of masks and sanitizer, take a photo of the supplies, and send it to officials before submitting to a detailed inspection. “The policy has been constantly changing,” said Wang Xuepan, one of the plant’s managers. “It’s very difficult for us to handle.”
In the Seattle area, Boeing Co. has worked with the Washington state labor department on a plan to reopen its factories. It will be doling out cloth masks to most workers, saving the gold-standard N95 masks for a select few in more hazardous conditions.
Unlike office drones, factory workers have to show up in person to get the job done. Figuring out what basic protections they’ll need is part of the challenge. At Boeing, industrial engineers are analyzing the sequence of work on its assembly lines to find ways to spread apart workers.

Taking the Temperature

Airbus SE has divided employees at its plants into red and blue teams, who don’t see each other because they use different routes to enter and exit buildings. Volkswagen AG is allotting more time between shifts and reducing expectations for production because it takes longer for people to move around each other at a safe distance. Ford Motor Co. is experimenting with wearable devices that would buzz workers if they get too close together.
While the virus can be transmitted by people with no symptoms, many manufacturers are doing temperature checks, whether with thermometers, thermal imaging cameras or — in the case of Fiat Chrysler Automobiles NV in the U.S. — reusable forehead strips.
Fiat Chrysler, whose CEO Mike Manley is one of the executives talking with Trump about reopening the economy, is requiring workers to fill out a health questionnaire two hours before reporting to work each day. They must bring either a hard copy, or scan a QR code with their phone, to prove they aren’t displaying signs of illness or exposure to the virus, according to documents obtained by Bloomberg. Workers can’t enter the plant without it.
Some companies are closing cafeterias in favor of vending machines. Dongfeng PSA in Wuhan is handing out prepared lunchboxes to employees, who must eat at least 1.5 meters apart with their backs to each other.
Zhejiang Geely Holding Group Co. said Chairman Li Shufu wrote a song to keep workers motivated through such dreariness. “A world full of expectations/Turned to dust of yesterday,” the lyrics go. “Their sorrow flowing into the sea/But the flower of love is quietly blooming.”

The Airplane

When air travel resumes in earnest, it’s likely that hand sanitizers, face masks and thermometers will become standard at most major airports, said David Powell, medical adviser for the International Air Transport Association, a trade group. All three have shortcomings, but can also reassure passengers, he said.
The International Civil Aviation Organization, which sets global flying standards, wants to establish a “public health corridor concept.” Under such a plan, major airlines, airports, public authorities and other parties would adopt common protocols for screening, boarding, in-flight procedures, arrivals, customs and baggage.
“We cannot all just stop flying,” Ansa Jordaan, the group’s chief of aviation medicine, said during an April 15 webcast.
Emirates Airline said this week it was the first to conduct rapid Covid-19 blood tests, with results available in 10 minutes for passengers flying Wednesday from Dubai to Tunisia. It plans to extend the procedure to other flights, according to Chief Operating Officer Adel Al Redha.
Other carriers are attempting less invasive measures. Etihad Airways, another major airline in the United Arab Emirates, plans to deploy touchless self-service devices at its hub airport in Abu Dhabi to identify travelers with medical conditions, including the early stages of coronavirus.
In the U.S., American Airlines Group Inc. plans to continue spacing customers apart during boarding and flights, conducting extensive cleanings of aircraft and reducing food and beverage service to limit contact, CEO Doug Parker said in an April 15 video message.
“When you do fly, aircraft cleanliness and social distancing matter greatly,” he said.

The Store

In China, it’s become standard to have your temperature taken any time you want to go shopping. Visitors to the Wuhan International Plaza luxury mall are checked for a fever at the door, before they queue up to be served one at a time at Louis Vuitton.
Levi Strauss & Co. disinfects its Chinese stores three times a day and requires temperature checks for customers, who are expected to wear masks before entering the store. Fitting rooms and products that have been tried on are disinfected each time they’re used.
It’s unclear whether practices implemented in China will make their way to other parts of the world, though several companies said they’ll learn from their experience in Asia.

Drive-Thru Shopping

Another technique is to keep shoppers out of the store altogether. Dixons Carphone Plc, the electronics retailer, is considering plans for contact-free “drive-thru” style stores to limit the risk of coronavirus for staff and customers. Shoppers would park outside, call the store to select items to buy, use a contactless system to pay and then open their trunks so staff could deliver the products.
Salespeople at luxury retailers in China were already using social media to engage with customers before the outbreak, but they’ve stepped up the effort since, adding clients on WeChat and sending them information about the latest trends. Louis Vuitton tried showcasing its summer product line in a livestream show on March 26 featuring a social-media star, but was ridiculed for the quality of the video. Sometimes there’s no substitute for personal contact.

The Restaurant

Buffets and salad bars will be re-thought, and self-serve drink stations may be “a thing of the past,” said Taco John’s CEO Jim Creel, who added that other changes are afoot at the 387-store chain. Taco John’s popular salsa bar — around for the past 15 years — may be removed.
“We hope we don’t have to take them out — that we’ll be able to figure out a way to make them still work — but I’m afraid the fear factor our there will force us to go to a pre-packaged option.”
A test of self-ordering kiosks may also get pulled back. “It was a good idea three months ago, but not so good today,” Creel said.

Phone Pay

In China, restaurants and even bars have opened back up in Shanghai, with varying limits on seating arrangements – some allow six to a table, others only one. In Beijing, restaurants are doing temperature checks. In Wuhan, most places are still delivery-only.
“In the short run, as dining rooms open back up again, you’ll probably see many restaurants space their tables a little bit further apart,” said Jack Li, CEO of menu researcher Datassential. “You’ll see more restaurants try to adopt phone pay. So not having to hand your money or card to anyone. You’re certainly going to see more places continue to do things like contactless delivery.”
Starbucks Corp. is taking a store-by-store approach to resuming business activities in the U.S., with services limited to drive-thru, delivery and takeout via mobile orders and contactless pickup.
“As we experienced in China, this will be a journey,” CEO Kevin Johnson wrote in a memo to staff on Thursday.

The Menu

Chains are cutting back menus, focusing on products that sell best and are easy to make. Romano’s Macaroni Grill has pared down its menu to 70% of what it used to be, saying goodbye to pizzas and calzones recently. McDonald’s all-day breakfast menu is gone.
Fazoli’s Italian restaurant chain is trying to secure Purell sanitizing stations – four for each store — along with “millions” of alcohol-based wipes for re-opening the dining rooms of its 216 locations. The company is also re-thinking bathrooms and looking into touch-less soap dispensers. It’s an investment, but a worthwhile one, says CEO Carl Howard.
“I want to let the consumer know I’m doing everything I can to keep them as safe as possible,” Howard said in an interview.

The Arena

Large public gatherings aren’t top of mind yet in China, but Trump and the people who run the U.S.’s biggest sports leagues appear aligned in their thinking that live games, at least in some form, are a critical part of helping the country recover.
“The progression needs to be open outdoor sports first, golf, tennis, swimming so that we can start to test the waters — that I’m fine with,” said billionaire Mark Cuban, who owns the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks.
One obstacle may be local politicians. When UFC floated plans to host an event this weekend on tribal land in California without spectators, it was pressure from politicians, including Governor Gavin Newsom, that led to its cancellation. Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti has reportedly discussed the possibility of prohibiting large gatherings like concerts and sporting events in the city for another year.

The Movies

That said, there’s billions on the line for sports leagues, sponsors and media networks if the games don’t resume soon. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s leading infectious-disease expert, has said that that the only way to do that this summer is to close venues to fans and keep all the players, coaches and referees isolated from society.
Cinema owners are also waiting to see when health officials give them clearance to open up. Cinemark Holdings Inc., the third-largest U.S. movie chain, has been in discussions with major film studios about when to release blockbusters again. The chain’s management thinks they could begin bringing back staff starting in late June, then build up a marketing campaign for a broader re-opening on July 1.
The experience won’t be like it was before coronavirus hit. The chain will either have to limit the available tickets for each showing, leaving about half its seats open. Or it may eliminate reserved seating, so customers can voluntarily spread themselves out when they arrive. Cleaning will have to be ramped up, and opening hours may be limited to accommodate the changes.
“How long that will take? We’re not completely certain,” said Mark Zoradi, Cinemark’s CEO, on a call with analysts and investors on Wednesday. “But we’re planning on anywhere from one to three months to light up that engine again and then to begin with higher profile, new product.”

The Casino

Las Vegas casino executives have discussed opening with as little as one-third of their rooms available, with limited entrances where guests’ temperatures could be checked. Casino employees would wear masks and gloves, and gamblers would sit at least a chair apart at blackjack tables.
The moves are similar to what is already occurring in Macau, the world’s largest gambling market, where casinos closed for 15 days in February and reopened under tight restrictions.
The companies are also discussing enhanced cleaning techniques, something unions have requested.

Fun Parks

The $19.3 billion U.S. theme park industry is also making plans, though no one knows when gates will reopen.
When they do, employees may be wearing masks and temperatures may be checked not only at the entrances but inside as well, said Dennis Speigel, a theme park consultant in Cincinnati. Operators may also institute virtual queues, where guests snag a place in line through an app and come to ride when it’s their turn.
“The theme park of the future is going to have to take a much different turn, from distancing to wanding to cleaning,” Speigel said. “I’ve never heard the fear in the voices that I’ve heard. Nobody knows what they’re going to be doing.”
Bloomberg News - With assistance from Thomas Buckley, Thomas Seal, Dana Hull, Natalie Wong, Julie Johnsson, Charlotte Ryan, Christoph Rauwald, Kyunghee Park, Gabrielle Coppola, Shiho Takezawa, Tian Ying, Chunying Zhang, Keith Naughton, Mary Schlangenstein, Justin Bachman, Layan Odeh, Jordyn Holman, Deirdre Hipwell, Robert Williams, Kim Bhasin, Jinshan Hong, Claire Che, Leslie Patton, Kelly Gilblom and Christopher Palmeri.

Below I’ve listed every law that was broken in The Office (from destruction of property and battery to homicide and kidnapping) whether legal action was taken or not, as well as ideas that people had that were illegal; I’m not a legal expert, I just have a lot of much free time (I labeled the episodes the same way that Netflix does.)
S1E3: Dwight claims that multiple people in the office forged medical forms for their health insurance plans
S1E6: Michael claims that Dunder Mifflin employees in the 80’s constantly used cocaine
S2E1: Pam, Kelly, and Phyllis reveal that there is something written on the women’s bathroom wall, later Pam reveals to Jim that she was the one who wrote it; people throw food at Michael (would fall under battery)
S2E2: Packer reveals that he’s been convicted of a DUI
S2E3: Dwight reveals that sometimes teenagers use his farm for sex (depending on their ages, this may be illegal as the Pennsylvania age of consent is sixteen)
S2E6: Dwight punches Michael in the stomach twice with considerable force (Michael does bait him into doing it though)
S2E8: Jim punctures a hole in Dwight’s “fitness orb” with a pair of scissors; it is implied that a former accountant killed himself; Dwight reveals that he made a copy of Michael’s key to the office
S2E10: Meredith flashes Michael in his office
S2E11: Michael tells everyone on the cruise that the ship is sinking when there’s no danger (creating a false panic is illegal in most cases)
S2E12: Dwight crashes his car into a telephone pole outside of the office and leaves his bumper in the street
S2E14: Michael says that Packer once held a man’s head into a toilet; it is also implied that Packer was the one who defecated in Michael’s office
S2E15: Michael causes lots of damage in the warehouse by improperly using the lift (he also doesn’t have a license to operate it)
S2E16: Michael jaywalks (technically illegal though typically not enforced); Michael comments that someone was pooping in a cardboard box in the subway
S2E17: Dwight tackles Ryan, Creed, and Stanley to the ground
S2E19: Michael finds out that he’s involved in a pyramid scheme
S2E20: Dwight finds a joint in the parking lot (Pennsylvania didn’t make steps to decriminalize marijuana until 2014); Michael believes he unknowingly smoked marijuana at a concert; Dwight gives Michael some of his urine so that he can pass a drug test
S2E21: Creed faces sideways after his company photo is taken, implying that he’s been arrested in the past
S2E22: Creed steals casino chips and also admits to stealing things all of the time; Dwight kisses Angela and she hits him in response (though it seems like both parties were okay with the outcome)
S3E1: Roy reveals that he was arrested for drunk driving
S3E4: Creed reveals that the reason Ed Truck got decapitated was because he was driving drunk (though this was never confirmed and Creed tends to lie); the bird funeral is lit on fire (probably illegal as they did not have a permit and it was mainly paper and not wood)
S3E5: Ryan and Dwight egg the front of Axelrod Ltd’s building
S3E6: Jim rides his bike drunk (believe it or not, this is actually illegal)
S3E7: Creed sells office equipment
S3E8: Andy steals a computer from the Stamford office; after poking holes in everyone’s tires, Michael claims it was Vance Refrigeration workers that did it
S3E9: It is revealed that Martin went to jail for insider trading; Kevin admits that insider trading sounds a lot like what he does as well
S3E10: Creed removes a present from the charity box (removing uncollected items from charity drives is theft); Pam reveals that she has been sending fake letters from the CIA to Dwight, Jim later gets involved (illegal to pass yourself off as a CIA agent)
S3E13: Andy punches a hole through the wall
S3E16: Michael reveals that his eighth grade teacher hooked up with at least thirteen students; Dwight reveals that he hunted a werewolf as a child, but it’s more likely that he killed his neighbor’s dog; Dwight traps a bat in a bag over Meredith’s head
S3E17: Creed reveals that he has a side business where he makes fake IDs for teens; Creed also reveals that he stole a laminating machine from the sheriff’s station; Dwight accidentally damages David’s roof while inspecting the chimney; Roy and his brother destroy multiple objects in a bar including a mirror, a chair, and multiple glasses (Roy’s brother later reveals that he paid off the bar owner to not call the cops on them)
S3E18: Roy attempts to assault Jim in the office after finding out he kissed Pam; Dwight uses pepper spray on Roy when he attempts to assault Jim (this was done defense of Jim however); Jim reveals that Dwight has weapons such as nunchucks and throwing stars hidden in the office; Dwight uses pepper spray against Andy; Dwight is found to have more weapons hidden in his desk such as brass knuckles, a police baton, and a taser
S3E19: Darryl reveals that Michael once kicked a ladder out from under him and caused him to break his ankle; Michael accidentally smashes a watermelon on the roof of someone’s car; Michael tries to convince the office that he’s going to commit suicide
S3E20: A former Dunder Mifflin employee from the paper mill put a watermark of two cartoon animals having sex on about five-hundred boxes-worth of paper; Creed frames Debbie Brown from the paper mill for not catching the watermark on the paper, which results in her termination; it was revealed that Andy was unknowingly dating a high schooler (only illegal if they had sexual contact); Andy reveals that he and his high school girlfriend knocked over a mailbox with her friends
S3E21: Phyllis claims that she was flashed by a man in the parking lot; when Jim calls the police to report the flasher, he says that the police have already gotten three calls; Creed implies that he has flashed people in the past; Jan offers Michael money in return for him driving to New York and having sex (it is illegal to accept or pay money for sex, even if the other person is not a prostitute); Meredith throws her trash out of her car window onto the street while also driving recklessly; while parking her car, Meredith scrapes another car; Creed reveals that he uses the women’s bathroom for bowel movements and has “paid dearly” for it in the past; Dwight and Andy put up barbed wire on the parking lot fence of the office (using barbed wire is typically illegal if the fence is adjacent to a public street)
S3E22: Michael lights a bonfire on the beach (he likely did not have a fire permit)
S3E23: Jim and Karen sneak into a theater to see the second half of Spamalot (would technically burglary, believe it or not, since they snuck in with the intent of stealing services); Jan claims that the reason she is being fired from Dunder Mifflin is because of her breast implants (though David says it is because of her work ethic)
S4E1: Michael hits Meredith with his car and fractures her pelvis; Dwight attempts to mercy kill Angela’s cat by trapping it in her freezer
S4E2: Michael claims that when he was a child, he had a foreign exchange student living with him that stole all of his blue jeans when he went back to his home country; Kelly tells Ryan that she is pregnant with his child in an attempt to get him to go on a date with her (this could fall under intentional infliction of emotional distress)
S4E3: Michael and Dwight detain the pizza deliveryman in the office conference room; Dwight reveals that the pizza deliveryman steals hemp from his farm; Andy reveals that he stole the ice sculpture he brought to the party; Michael and Dwight steal a tray of sushi and some accessories from a restaurant
S4E4: Dwight admits that the permits on the bed and breakfast side of Schrute Farms are still pending even though he is actively taking customers; Creed reveals that he has a second identity that he transfers his debt to; Michael and Jan are likely trespassing while they are sitting on the stationed train
S4E6: Dwight attempts to create molotov cocktails to throw in the Utica office; Michael drives recklessly on the highway; while stealing the Utica branch’s industrial copier, Michael and Dwight break it; Dwight reveals more weapons that he has in the office, including a pack of knives, a pair of sai, a sword, and a blowdart (having these weapons in the open is not illegal, but concealing them is)
S4E8: Michael purgers himself during Jan’s deposition
S4E9: Jan throws a Dundie at Michael’s TV and breaks it
S4E10: It is revealed that the model from Micahel’s chair catalog died in a car accident (Dwight says that she was stoned at the time and crashed into the side of an airplane hanger)
S4E11: Ryan states that the Dunder Mifflin website was infiltrated by sexual predators (only illegal if they used it to transmit child pornography or arrange meetings with minors with the intent of sexual contact); it is heavily implied that Ryan and his friend Troy are under the influence of cocaine
S4E12: Michael places his face in wet cement outside of the office (would be considered destruction of property)
S4E13: Andy drives a golf cart recklessly and ends up destroying its roof (and potentially the cart as well)
S4E14: Jim sets up Dwight’s cell and work phones to go to his Bluetooth and pretends to be him when clients call (could fall under criminal impersonation); Ryan commits fraud by having people re-record sales and is arrested for it; Dwight, Meredith, and Mose release a raccoon into Holly’s car (only illegal if it does damage to her car)
S5E1: Phyllis blackmails Angela by threatening to reveal Angela and Dwight’s affair unless she lets Phyllis run the Party Planning Committee
S5E3: Kelly reveals that she downloads pirated music onto her work computer, to which Michael responds, “who hasn’t”; Meredith reveals that she’s been sleeping with a supplier in exchange for discounts on supplies and Outback Steakhouse gift certificates (could fall under the scope of prostitution); Michael threatens to kill everyone if they don’t go to the conference room
S5E4: Dwight tries to destroy Jan’s $1,200 stroller
S5E5: The office is robbed after Michael and Holly forget to lock the office’s front door; Creed implies that he made the last person who stole from him disappear, and that he stole the identity Creed Bratton from them
S5E7: Kelly falsifies customer surveys regarding Jim and Dwight
S5E9: Michael attempts to purchase marijuana from two Vance Refrigeration workers, and they trick him into buying a salad in a bag rather than drugs (intent to purchase illegal drugs is illegal, and so is selling counterfeit drugs); Michael and Dwight attempt to frame Toby with drug trafficking and possession of marijuana; when the cops arrive, Creed becomes incredibly worried that he’ll be arrested, implying that he either has drugs in the office, or is a drug dealer
S5E10: Dwight tricks Angela into marrying him (this would be considered fraudulently inducing someone into marriage)
S5E11: Creed is seen smoking out of a pipe likely containing kif, which has cannabis in it; Creed says that he can get fire permits very quickly, implying that they are possibly fake; Michael forces Meredith into going to a rehab facility (technically falls under the definition of kidnapping)
S5E12: Jim uncovers more weapons that Dwight has hidden throughout the office; Andy pins Dwight against a fence with his car, Dwight dents Andy’s car
S5E13: Jim connects a red wire to Dwight’s computer which leads outside to the top of the power pole (would qualify as vandalism to the pole); Michael and Dwight attempt to learn information about a competitor under the guise of a potential customer and potential employee (could be considered corporate espionage, but I couldn’t find any specifics)
S5E14: Dwight induces panic law by simulating a fire in the office, he additionally damages multiple doors and cuts the phone wires; during the fire drill, multiple office employees damage items in the office including ceiling tiles, the copier machine, and the vending machine; Dwight reveals that he is planning a bomb scare; Dwight is shown to have a hunting knife strapped to his ankle, and he uses this knife to cut apart the CPR dummy (though corporate payed for the damages to the dummy); Andy, Jim, and Pam watch a pirated film
S5E15: Dwight buys cookies from Toby in exchange for him signing a form (quid pro quo on this is illegal); Dwight attempts to have his coworkers sign his form under the guise of it being a sign-in sheet; Michael throws full slices of bread on the ground to feed pigeons (it was winter and there were no birds, so this could be considered littering)
S5E16: Jim cuts the cord that connects Michael’s phone to the office’s PA system; Dwight finds out that Kelly went to juvenile detention when she was younger; Creed gives Jim a $3 bill (counterfeit money is illegal)
S5E17: Creed says he knows where to buy a kid for $7,000; it’s revealed that the reason Kelly was in juvenile detention was because she stole her boyfriend’s father’s boat; Michael cuts off a sleeve from Holly’s sweater; Michael also takes a file off of Holly’s computer (would be classified as unauthorized computer access)
S5E18: Phyllis and Bob have sex in a restaurant bathroom (this is technically public sex which is a misdemeanor); Creed steals a bag of blood from the blood drive
S5E19: Dwight slaps Michael; Jim slaps Dwight
S5E20: Dwight pretends to have kidnapped David’s son
S5E21: Michael sneaks back into the office after being asked to leave (technically trespassing as it is private property and he was escorted out of the building)
S5E22: Michael breaks his condominium agreement by having the Michael Scott Paper Company located within his condo (though the owner only sent a warning that he needed to stop); Ryan steals three pairs of bowling shoes before he quits the bowling alley; Michael asks Billy to sell him a ‘secret office space’ off of the books within the Scranton Business Park
S5E23: Dwight claims that a woman named Haddie McGonagle was murdered in the Dunder Mifflin office space in 1816 (though he probably made this up)
S5E24: Dwight steals supplies and files from the Michael Scott Paper Company’s office
S5E26: While fixing her dress, Meredith accidentally reveals one of her breasts, as well as her crotch and her backside (was accidental, but could be considered public indecency)
S5E27: Dwight cuts open the back of Phyllis’ blouse so he can give her a massage; Creed reveals that he doesn’t have any mirrors in his car that let him see behind the car (in Pennsylvania, it is illegal to drive without at least one mirror that lets you see behind the car)
S5E28: Dwight’s friend Rolph once inquired about shoes that increased speed and didn’t leave any tracks, implying that he was going to commit a crime
S6E1: Stanley wrecks Michael’s car with a tire iron
S6E2: Dwight and Toby accidentally crash into a few trash cans outside Darryl’s house; Dwight uncovers that the real cause of Darryl’s injury was from misuse of company equipment
S6E4: Michael ties full beer cans to the back of his car which left debris all over the road; Dwight implies that Mose is going to be castrating horses (only legal if Mose has a veterinary license, which is unlikely); Dwight also claims that he has a device which can make hamburgers out of horse meat without killing the horse (likely animal cruelty)
S6E5: The Niagara Falls hotel staff incinerated Kevin’s shoes (they claim they did it because it was a safety issue); Dwight gifts a turtle to Jim and Pam for their wedding and appears to not have made any holes in the box (likely animal cruelty); Dwight accidentally kicks Isabel in the face while dancing
S6E6: While answering Jim’s phone, Kevin pretends to be Jim and accidentally cancels his credit cards
S6E7: Dwight secretly records the conversations in Jim’s office (Pennsylvania has a two-party consent law which means that all parties in the conversations must consent to being recorded); Andy talks about a 60 Minutes segment that went into working conditions of a paper mill in Peru (the 60 Minutes segment likely went into illegal conditions within the mill)
S6E8: Meredith reveals that she has had sex with a known terrorist; while writing down things that people don’t want to be made fun of for, Creed says that if he writes his down, he cannot be charged for it; a custodian reveals that when Michael fell into the koi pond, he accidentally killed one of the fish
S6E9: Ryan shows Erin a topless photo of Kelly in the office (could be considered indecent exposure since it was in a public space within the office); Creed implies that a shipping order was never supposed to reach it’s location, possibly indicating that he stole a shipment
S6E10: Creed flees the office when Michael tells him that there was a murder and that he was a suspect, implying that he may be involved in a murder
S6E12: Dwight secretly records a phone call between Jim and David
S6E13: As part of Secret Santa, Andy gives Erin the Twelve Days of Christmas, inadvertently resulting in physical injury to her and potentially her home and car; Creed implies that he’s done “evil” things; Michael says that he has often claimed to be David’s childrens’ pediatrician to get him on the phone
S6E16: Andy accidentally gives Meredith a large paper cut on her throat; Ryan implies to Dwight that they should torture Jim
S6E17: While escorting Jim and Pam to the hospital, Dwight puts a police light on the top of his car; Michael uses his phone to text and make a call while driving; when being pulled over, Dwight throws multiple large weapons out his window; Michael parks in an ambulance-only parking spot
S6E18: Dwight breaks a window to enter Jim and Pam’s home; after breaking in, Dwight discovers mold in their home and destroys walls and cabinets with a crew of workers so he can refurbish their kitchen; Jim comments that he had five parking tickets on his windshield
S6E20: Creed tries to act casual when Michael announces that the lost and found has gone missing, implying he may have stolen it; Andy aggressively tries to take a pen from Darryl (could be considered battery); Dwight strangles Kevin in an attempt to get information from him; Michael and Dwight, and then later Andy and Erin, walk around the Scranton dump (would be considered trespassing); Michael and Dwight throw large pieces of garbage at each other; Michael and Dwight take two chairs from the dump
S6E21: Phyllis claims she likes getting men to flirt with her so that Bob will beat them up; Michael accidentally damages multiple objects while being reckless at the bar; Dwight breaks his contract with Angela (unsure as to whether a lawyer was involved with the first contract, but Angela served Dwight with a summons for breaking it, leading me to believe it was legitimate); Hide admits that he killed a Yakuza boss on purpose and then came to America illegally
S6E22: Meredith steals and uses Pam’s breast pump
S6E24: Michael hires Dwight to follow Donna around to see if she’s cheating on him (following someone isn’t illega, but it could be considered stalking or harassment); Creed implies that he’s committed crimes for low levels of reward; Michael says he’s going to kill the guy who’s kissing Donna in her Facebook photo (though he immediately takes it back)
S6E25: Michael keeps throwing out radon kits that Toby put around the office; Michael once again claims that he would kill Toby; Dwight claims that his money is buried underneath someone (though we don’t know if this is a grave or a buried corpse); Dwight and Angela’s lawyer comments that their sex contract is dangerously close to prostitution and illegal
S7E1: Dwight tears the head off of Phyllis’ teddy bear and pulls a knife on Jim; Meredith breaks into Michael’s nephew’s car; Michael spanks his nephew
S7E2: Dwight attempts to open a daycare center that is absolutely not up to safety codes; Toby allows Michael to forge his counseling paperwork
S7E4: Dwight is shown attempting to pick up what would appear to be illegal immigrants for day labour and then instead of paying them, has Mose pretend to be an INS agent, kidnaps the workers, and then drops them off in Harrisburg; Holly claims that multiple people died in a traffic accident (though it’s incredibly likely that she was kidding); Michael takes an incredibly quick turn without his turn signal on
S7E5: Michael, Dwight, and Jim secretly watch Danny’s meeting with Meredith through hidden cameras (only illegal if they are recording the footage)
S7E7: Angela steals all of the scones from Cece’s christening (though they were for public consumption so it probably wouldn’t constitute as theft)
S7E8: The Scranton Strangler leads police on a high speed pursuit; Michael tells Pam that he has a loaded gun hidden in his desk at the office; Michael cuts the cable going to Gabe’s apartment
S7E10: Erin floats the idea of hiring a new employee, killing them, and then cashing in on the life insurance policy; Dwight and Phyllis float the idea of bombing China; Pam accuses Dwight of breaking property code laws
S7E11: Dwight and Jim keep throwing snowballs at each other with force, and some that contained pebbles (snowball fights themselves aren’t illegal, but it’s illegal in most places to throw objects which could be considered missiles, and Jim is also shown with what appears to be blood on his clothes afterwards); Dwight asks Toby is he’s on the jury for the middle school teacher who tried to turn a foreign exchange student into a sex slave; Meredith asks Toby if it’s the case with the postman who rubbed his genitals on deliveries; Michael throws out supplies and food meant for the Christmas party; Dwight is shown dragging the Christmas tree out of the office to throw it out; one of the snowballs that Jim lobs at Dwight breaks a window; Michael throws Holly’s Woody doll into the trash and pours coffee on it
S7E12: Jim stabs a few snowmen with his umbrella hoping that Dwight is hiding in one of them
S7E13: Michael claims that regardless if Holly gets engaged or not, he will probably either attack people in rage or burn the building down in happiness
S7E15: Michael leaves without paying at the Chinese restaurant; Creed is also listed on the wall of diners who did not pay for their meal
S7E17: Michael most likely did not have permits to film in some of the locations featured in Threat Level Midnight; multiple characters in Michael’s film are seen using guns (you do not need a permit to have a gun in your home or business place in Pennsylvania, but multiple characters concealed their weapons during the film, though the guns are likely fake); a mannequin of Toby is blown up during Michael’s film (depending on the type of explosive used, certification may be required); during the hockey scene of the film, Michael comments that it was filmed during an actual Scranton High hockey game (could be seen as defiant trespassing and/or disorderly conduct)
S7E18: Packer humps Michael and Dwight while they’re underneath a desk; Dwight throws away Holly’s zen garden; Dwight offers Packer a hot chocolate laced with many laxatives (depending on the amount, it could be considered assault or even homicide since extreme dehydration could kill someone); Andy purposely does damage to his computer’s keyboard and hard drive; Andy and Pam slightly damage Andy’s new computer; Jim and Dwight pretend to be Sabre employees and tell Packer he can jump the gate at Jo’s house
S7E19: Ryan uses Phyllis and Oscar’s faces on his mom’s pesto and salsa recipes (would fall under right of publicity laws); Ryan adds a Kosher certification onto his mom’s pesto recipe (against FDA regulations); Michael pours gasoline all over the parking lot; Michael wants to steal a corpse from a medical school to use in his proposal to Holly
S7E20: Michael eggs Toby’s house; Kevin colors on a restaurant tablecloth with crayons; Ryan admits to have done drugs in the past
S7E21: Gabe confronts Andy and threatens him to stay away from Erin (could be considered criminal threatening); Deangelo claims that he caught the person who stole one of Jo’s dogs
S7E24: Dwight accidentally fires his gun through the floor; Meredith claims that during the shooting she lost her necklace, a ring, and a painting and will be reporting it to the insurance company; Ryan claims that Dwight’s accident felt like an act of terrorism; Pam claims that Dwight has hidden more weapons in the office
S7E25: Creed parks his car in the middle of the parking lot
S7E26: Dwight admits that he would have created a fake identity for his character of Jacques Souvenier if Jo had hired him as manager
S8E1: Dwight uses a fire extinguisher to knock Meredith off of the top of a bathroom stall, drops a ream of paper on a warehouse employee’s head to get him off a table, and flips a table over to get Toby off of it; Dwight throws Jim’s phone against the wall with force and a shatter is heard; Dwight instigates a fight between nearly everyone in the office
S8E2: Andy says he will streak across the parking lot if the office accrues enough points
S8E3: Dwight pours his drink on the inside of someone’s car; Oscar smashes the car’s window and brake light with a crowbar; Dwight drives the baler through the warehouse wall; Erin and Kevin spread grease all over the warehouse floor; Dwight, Jim, Erin, and Kevin damage multiple boxes of paper
S8E4: Dunder Mifflin billboards across town are shown to be vandalized; Mose crashes Toby’s car into a corn field; Mose very tightly lines up everyone’s cars so that he can run across the roofs (he likely made scratches and dents while planning and executing this plan)
S8E5: Dwight is shown to have brought many weapons into the office in the past as part of Halloween costumes and threatened to kill Toby with them (though the weapons were never concealed and Toby usually confiscated them before he entered the office
S8E6: Oscar stated in an email that he believes that Robert has strangled at least one stripper; Kelly states in an email that they should kill Robert; Dwight’s accountability booster is dangerously close to a form of blackmail; Gabe says that he is going to go to a cemetery and drink (it’s actually illegal to drink in most cemeteries); Pam stops Kevin from hitting Dwight over the head with a frying pan; Jim takes Robert’s phone and attempts to deletes an email (technically illegal to use someone’s phone without their permission)
S8E7: Dwight repeatedly grabs Jim’s crotch
S8E8: A Civil War informational video reveals that the soldiers from Schrute Farm were soldiers that went AWOL
S8E9: When Dwight suggests that everyone in the office is in a suicide cult, Creed strongly denies it, implying that he probably is in one; Jim leaves his car running and unattended in the middle of the parking lot
S8E10: Dwight punches Jim in the arm; Erin asks Andy for Jessica to die; Meredith threatens to drive drunk if Andy doesn’t drive her home; Meredith rides in the back of her van without a seatbelt on
S8E11: Andy asks Oscar to add $800 to their quarterly sales, implying it could be seen as a rounding error; Kevin offers to make that rounding error for Andy
S8E12: Jim drives over Robert’s lawn and breaks his mailbox
S8E15: Jim creates a fake murder scene in his hotel room for Dwight which involved stained towels, knocked over and possibly broken furniture, a writing on the door; Dwight threatens to light Jim’s face on fire; Dwight leaves the hospital with his IV solution bag, which implies he likely didn’t pay for his visit before leaving
S8E16: Gabe sprays an inhaler into Packer’s drink; Dwight damages his hotel room keycard; Dwight sprays a compound of chemicals in Jim’s hotel room creating what he claims is a biohazard
S8E17: Multiple homeless people are sleeping on the sidewalk outside the Sabre store (it’s usually only illegal for homeless individuals to sleep on the sidewalk if a shelter is available); Dwight tells Packer that he should act like a sexual predator when talking to the female teenage customers; a group of children throw pinecones at Andy and Pam, and one of them punches Andy in the face resulting in a black eye; Creed strikes the back of Meredith’s head; Ryan calls his uncle to get a prescription for Ritalin; Kelly attacks Toby and then accidentally elbows Andy in the face
S8E18: Dwight leaves a treasure chest in the office which fires a poisoned dart upwards at whomever opens it; Jim and Dwight tackle and punch each other; Kevin forcibly kisses Meredith
S8E19: Darryl drags Dwight out of his office by his hair; Andy tosses a container of eggplant parmesan onto the street; Andy leaves his car unattended in the middle of an intersection
S8E20: Dwight offers to hit Nellie with a candlestick; Jessica’s friends throw food at Andy’s car
S8E21: Andy smashes the frame holding a picture of Nellie; Andy punches another hole into the wall
S8E22: Andy loiters at the office parking lot
S8E23: Dwight and Jim create a fake identity to work around the commission cap (Dwight even admits that it’s extremely similar to embezzlement or fraud); Harry threatens to choke out Toby; Dwight tells Jim he should dent the hood of Harry’s car or slash the tires; Dwight attempts to activate the elevator’s seismic failsafes to stop the elevator; Pam steals Nellie’s phone and deletes all of her voicemails (technically illegal to use someone’s phone without their permission); Andy tells Robert if he doesn’t hire him back, he will give Prestige Direct Mail Solutions’ business to a competitor (technically blackmail)
S8E24: Kevin and Robert accidentally head butt each other; Andy mops the carpets, likely damaging them; Dwight steals Philip’s used diaper so he can have a paternity test done (this is called gene theft); Angela and Dwight both speed and drive recklessly; Angela hits Mose multiple times; Dwight and Mose both leave their cars unattended in the middle of the street; Robert forcibly kisses Andy; Dwight forces himself on Angela (though seconds later she is a willing participant)
S9E1: Andy threatens to make up a reason to fire Nellie (since Toby is aware of this, if Nellie were to sue Andy, Toby would have to testify against him); Andy purposely pushes Nellie off of the slack-lining rope; Dwight deconstructs Dunder Mifflin equipment to create his trapeze set; Dwight gets stuck on the slack-line and the fire department has to come to get him down; Andy places all of the recycling bins near Nellie and has people throw their trash at her
S9E2: While the building’s janitor is on vacation, the building becomes incredibly dirty to the point where rats can be seen (likely against multiple health codes); Nellie forces Dwight into a situation where he has to chop off her hand (though he doesn’t go through with it)
S9E3: Nellie drives recklessly; Nellie uses her phone while driving
S9E4: Dwight and Toby find EMF hotspots in the office which could imply that there’s poor wiring in the building (depending on how bad the wiring actually is, this could actually break laws); Stanley threatens to spank Clark; Dwight drives the work bus (depending on the type of bus it was, Dwight would need a certain license to drive it); Phyllis asks someone to just start driving the bus while Dwight is on the roof; Dwight drops himself through the rooftop emergency exit on the bus onto Jim; Dwight drives the bus recklessly
S9E5: Creed comes into the office with blood stains all over his clothes (it likely was not his blood, so he may have harmed someone); Andy reveals he had sex with a snowman while at Cornell (would fall under public indecency); Dwight catches Meredith in a net and causes her to fall to the floor
S9E6: Kevin leaves his car in the middle of the parking lot so he can run to the bathroom; Oscar forges documents to make it looks like Kevin has been taking money from Dunder Mifflin; Nellie, Jim, Pam, and Darryl create a situation where Dwight believes that police have surrounded David’s house; Pete’s friend Flipper once drunkenly flipped a table over at a bar
S9E7: Dwight claims he used to have a barber who fought dogs and made dogs fight each other; Clark is used as leverage by Dwight to get Jan’s business (this trade would be dangerously close to prostitution)
S9E8: Dwight reveals that Trevor has had numerous guns stolen from him; Angela hires Trevor to murder Oscar; Dwight claims he has left poop in a paper bag on people’s porches (would be classified as vandalism); Trevor claims that people have left poop in a bag on his porch multiple times; Angela asks Trevor to break Oscar’s kneecaps instead; Trevor brings a concealed weapon into the office; Phyllis taps a stranger on the back with the sharp end of a knife; Phyllis forcibly removes a decorative wine bottle from its base; Angela kicks Oscar in the shin
S9E9: Dwight hits Oscar and Jim with a stick; Darryl collapses on a table and breaks it in half
S9E10: Dwight throws his coffee cup up in the air, likely staining the carpet; Dwight sprays a disinfectant in Erin, Pam, Angela, and Meredith’s faces; Erin tackles Stanley; Meredith reveals that one of her exes keyed a bunch of people’s cars; Meredith also reveals that she pooped into an office shredder; Dwight accidentally sets off an insecticidal grenade (I don’t believe there is a real insecticidal grenade but I’m sure there’s some law against either setting one off or doing so with people nearby); Angela hits Oscar in the head with a coffee pot; Kevin misuses one of the warehouse machines and causes it to break; Dwight accidentally sets off another insecticidal grenade in his car (he most likely still drove his car after while experiencing hallucinogenic side effects)
S9E11: Jim is seen driving a motorcycle (Jim likely did not have a motorcycle license); Dwight suggests that Jim should drive 240 miles per hour so he can get to the office faster; Creed steals Phyllis’ ring; Kevin forcibly lifts Angela up multiple times; Darryl misses a basketball hoop and accidentally breaks a wall lamp and electrocutes a fish tank (though Darryl agreed to pay for the damage); multiple people in the office tear up the carpet flooring
S9E12: Dwight rips open a couch cushion with a knife; Dwight drives one of the delivery trucks (he likely does not have a license to drive the truck); Dwight throws a milkshake through the drive-thru window at an employee; a customer in the drive-thru throws a milkshake at Dwight
S9E13: Dwight reveals that Rolf uses hand grenades to fish; Mose is seen running in the middle of the street (could be considered jaywalking); Dwight reveals that when he was a child, he went to a school that was run by a conman; one of Dwight’s friends reveals that the school used the students as labor; Melvina reveals that she’s been double parked for about two hours; Dwight gives the sales rep applicants Jim’s home address so they can toilet paper it; Rolf tells Dwight to be weary of any suspicious packages he may get, implying that he’ll be sending him potentially dangerous packages; Dwight attempts to suffocate Clarke
S9E14: Frank vandalizes Pam’s warehouse mural; Angela hits Oscar; Dwight and Pam vandalize Frank’s truck; Frank rushes at Pam with the intent to hit her; Brian hits Frank in the face with his boom mic
S9E15: Meredith suggests that everyone in the office should try cocaine
S9E16: Dwight’s Aunt Shirley slaps Angela; Andy snoops through Erin’s phone; Andy kicks Toby; Angela accidentally sets off the hose on Dwight (the hose likely has the same pressure as a firehose, which is about 150 PSI, so this could be considered assault); Toby leaves the prison wearing a neck brace after visiting the Scranton Stranger, implying the Strangler attempted to strangled him;
S9E17: Dwight throws dirt in the faces of Erin, Phyllis, Kevin, Oscar, Meredith, Angela, Stanley, Pam and Jim; Dwight’s brother Jeb drives his car into Aunt Shirley’s grave; Packer reveals he’s in Narcotics Anonymous, implying he used to use drugs; Dwight reveals that his family members have accidentally buried family members who were thought to be dead but were actually in deep sleep; Dwight unloads a shotgun into his aunt’s corpse; Jeb reveals that he owns a worm farm in California (medical marijuana was not legalized in California until 2018); Packer reveals that the cupcakes he gave out to everyone in the office, as well as to Jim and Darryl were laced with drugs, some legal and some not; Packer is seen having parked his car halfway between a handicapped spot and a do-not-park zone; Clarke reveals that while drugged, he defected in some bushes
S9E18: Dwight dumps a bucket of water onto Phyllis, and is likely the same person who dumped a bucket of water onto Andy as well (technically would be classified as assault); Meredith exposes her breasts in the office; Angela slaps Oscar
S9E19: Dwight shoots Stanley with three tranquilizers meant for a bull (horse tranquilizers can cause serious harm to humans, and a bull tranquilizer likely has a higher dosage); Meredith squirts some of the bull tranquilizer into her drink (probably not illegal since she put it into her own drink, but it would be classified as placing a foreign object into an edible, which is actually a felony); Dwight and Clarke accidentally slam Stanley’s unconscious body into two walls; while sliding down a flight of stairs, Stanley’s unconscious body makes a dent in the wall; Andy kicks over an empty trash can; a man at the talent agency claims that through his dog-cat-mouse act, he goes through a lot of mice (allowing your pet to eat live animals can be considered animal cruelty); Stanley tranquilizes himself so that he doesn’t have to climb the stairs
S9E20: Creed smashes a melon on the warehouse floor; Pam accidentally hits Toby in the eye with a paper airplane; Erin reveals that when she was in the orphanage, she once ripped Susan’s pigtails off of her head; Erin crushes a box of packing peanuts; Clarke asks Pam and Jim to share the drugs he think they’re high on; Angela is seen taking rolls of toilet paper from the office
S9E21: Lackawanna County takes away “two sacks” worth of Angela’s cats because she is violating her apartment complex’s pet rules; Dwight throws his briefcase and hits multiple items; Dwight nearly kicks and punches multiple in the office; Andy asks Toby to falsify files; Andy attempts to grope Toby; Andy dedicates on David’s car (this would be classified as vandalism and public indecency);
S9E22: Dwight reveals that his grandmother was shot by Adolph Coors; Dwight throws the summoning bag against the back of Jim’s head; Casey Dean jumps on the back of the a cappella show host; Meredith spanks Darryl; Dwight is seen driving with his police light on his car; Dwight drives recklessly
S9E23: Dwight reveals that Creed faked his own death; Dwight also reveals that the police are looking for Creed as he sold drugs, trafficked endangered animal meat, and stole weapons-grade LSD from the military; Oscar reveals that Kevin used to make up numbers to balance the books; Mose kidnaps Angela and locks her in his trunk for three hours; Creed changes his identity; Ryan reveals that his partner abandoned him and their child; Ryan purposely gives his son an allergic reaction; Kelly and Ryan abandon his son with Ravi; Nellie takes Ryan’s son as her own child (she didn’t legally adopt him so this would be considered child abduction); Pam attempts to sell their home without Jim’s knowledge (since Jim bought the house as a surprise, his name is likely on the deed as well and Pam wouldn’t be able to sell it without him); Kevin spills alcohol all over a cabinet while filling up glasses

Good night, groupies! After tonight's performance one our contestants will be retiring from the stages for this season, but who will it be?
Please welcome our judges!
Sally Spellman, looking like the LSD you took for inspiration for your music!
Miyu Moon, our resident kill our die romantic!
With special guest judge
Sulphur Bomme, who will help decide who gets the winner's mayo!
This week, our contestants were tasked with creating posters for their debut concerts as musicians alongside music video looks based on their assigned genres!
...Veruschka

Although you did a great job this week, you didn't flop nor top the charts, you were radio friendly enough.

You're safe this week and still on the run for the crown.

The rest of you you represent the Highs and Lows of the week. Starting with...

RIPPER HOLE | POSTER

Sally Spellman: You’ve managed to have the most eye catching poster in my opinion, it’s a very moody piece and the colors grab your attention in the best way possible, the perspective is a little wonky, especially since the text not completely lining up, my only issue is there no being acknowledgement of when the event is going to happen, no venue, no website, no date! Adding those little details that would have cemented this at a complete 10/10.
Your outfit is lovely and I’m here for a bearded queen who actually integrates a beard into a look in a way that goes along with everything and not just for the gag of having a beard. The abstractness of the look is cool but I think everything is wacky and you have a very simple hat, so it should have definitely been more extra than what you’ve got there, I’ve seen some people rag on you about the wobbliness of your looks but I don’t think it’s something you’ve overdone at all, it in some way is part of your style because that’s how you presented your queen to begin with and you’ve proved you’re capable of doing different things but I wonder if you can serve us more rigid shapes for next week or whenever the opportunity comes. The colors in your look being the same palette as your poster but more muted was a really nice touch and I think it would look amazing on a music video.
Miyu Moon: First off, this poster, WOW, it grabbed my attention immediately and absolutely makes me want to see this show. It is really minimal on the info, I think it could have used a little more info even if it was just a "Saturday night at 'that' Club" or something vague, just to give it a little more of a realistic poster feel. As it is now it could possibly be a movie or something, but that being said the saxophone and mic do kinda force me to assume a musical element so that does help send me in a direction. But overall, this poster still does what a poster should, it grabs my attention and it gives me a feeling and I want more. The angle is so dramatic, the fact that she's laying in such an askew way but looks so satisfied it really gives me some sense of wildness that I want to see live. I would typically associate the jazz age with some classier dress, so to see you so wildly nude and unhinged I'll have to assume this is some bootlegger party in an underground club and I want in.
The outfit pairs perfectly with your poster, I can imagine that underneath this neon coloured zoot suit you're ready to turn into that stage poster version of yourself. I'm not sure how but I do agree that these colours lend to the feel of jazz, there's something so bright and brassy about the sound that you translated well into your look. Bagginess can often look really shapeless so you made a smart choice to show parts of yourself and still give us some sexy body to balance out the shapelessness of the suit coat. I also love all the tiny details with the stitching and sparkles and whatnot, they also help give shape to something that could otherwise just be a blob, so all the choices in your material use are really "right". And the blue lip is a perfect touch, just a little bit of cool tone to stand out from the warmness you've got going on. Really great look, I can imagine this in a video of you dancing and singing around very sultry and slowly revealing yourself to the camera until we reach your final, most sinful form.
Sulphur Bomme: Hello Ripper! Overall I feel like this is a great hybrid genre of Jazz and incorporating your own Ripper Hole stylistic twist to it. I really think the colour scheme plays well into the Jazz theme, I thought of the Monsters Inc. title card and that has a jazz track to it so it really invoked that theme, not just in your poster but throughout your work. I think this is my favourite concept of the week, honestly.
I love the production of perspective in this, You’re really showing off your artistic knowledge in a way that isn’t primarily focusing on fashion. It kinda puts you up as a really well rounded individual and it doesn’t make the poster feel like a flat, boring image. I think to push this it might’ve needed a bit of tailoring - I focused more so on the objects in frame rather than Ripper (who in this case is the main headlining act) so your colour choices would have benefitted from shifting the object tones to a colour that suits the background so they are still present, have an iconic focus, but not as much as Ripper who would have benefited from a more yellow or orange sort of hue.
Your outfit I enjoy a lot because it matches your act quite well, super clear to me that you’re going to be performing your songs in some retro futurism minimalistic ideal that American homeowners aspire to be a part of , and you haven’t shied away from a lot of colour. Nitpick - I think when it comes to colour,try to be a bit cautious with the saturation, especially red hues because of it being such a rich physical colour for the eyes.
I want you to start experimenting with maybe producing outfits that have less wavy intentions - I’ve noticed your go-to is to produce very wavy aesthetical linework in your pieces, either explicitly in form or implicitly with pattern, and I want to see if you can produce an outfit that demands a certain edge of control. I’m aware that you did produce a very angular look Week 2, but the fit was very tight to Ripper’s body, so it could be a good idea to sort of see if you can produce not even just an angular look, but look that has more control than complete waviness to it. I hope this helped!
Up next is...

ORIANA | POSTER

Sally Spellman: Your poster looks legit, the almost unintelligible band name, the graphicness of it and the gore make me think I could spot this somewhere and I’d think it’s a real event, in my opinion the placement of the information wasn’t the best and the font choice as well, a serif sort of font would have gone better with the mood of your poster and maybe I’m the only one who is going blind but I think having this pure white text against black and white scribbles make the text blend in a little but to be honest I’m just nitpicking because you did a stellar job this week.
Your music video look is great, the red tattoos resembling body harm are a very nice touch and very on brand, I seriously have nothing to nitpick on every detail that I see is very flattering and you made the usual not fashionable heavy metal garbs look amazing and you didn’t rely on bondage or bdsm to do so, wouldn’t look out of place in a music video for this genre at all.
Miyu Moon: There is absolutely no question when looking at this poster as to what sort of show I'm going to see, and that is exactly what we wanted. I love the tiny scribbly detail in the hair, that in itself almost lends more to a horror element than the entrails, in a Japanese graphic novel sort of way. The info is maybe a little lost in the hair though, it's certainly readable when you look closely but from afar it's kind of lost and could have benefitted from something helping the words stand out, be it an outline or colour or different placement, there's probably a lot of subtle changes but either way it's a subtle change. The poster looks interesting and exciting to an alt crowd for sure, and I think the info you put is the perfect amount of specificity and lets us know when, where, and what to expect, it really does its job.
This music video look is awesome and I would absolutely wear it immediately. I really love the texture you've done inside the coat, it makes it look like you're wearing sheets of flesh and I mean... what's more brutal than wearing raw, bloody flesh? I like that the outfit itself is pretty simple in what garments there are; dress, jacket, boots, but the detail makes them really cohesive and as if they were perfectly made to go together in this music video. The body art also lends a nice level of detail to the look so it doesn't seem too simple. I can imagine the video being a view of the band rocking with Oriana up front and center belting it out in this look, the crazy face paint is perfectly attention grabbing for a lead singer.
Sulphur Bomme: Hello Oriana! Both your poster and look have an amazing depth of posing and dynamicism to it. The selection of black, white and red really pull this poster in for me, as well as the choices you have made to fit your genre.
From the font being that “are these trees or is this a metal band font” (thanks Memorie), the choice to pull the hair out from the background using shading and mark making, the subtlety of the inclusion of red, the guts spelling out “LIVE” - the information, everything here has really solidifed a strong conceptual poster as well as the act Oriana would produce. I think if you could improve this, perhaps the mark making you used to shade your crease for your eyes would’ve really made the form a lot stronger and pull it into a massively memorable moment for any graphic design challenge that has been done on MPAR.
For your outfit, absolutely phenomenal. I think people should take notes from this on how to make their concepts dynamic, interesting and positioned to be powerful. This is a great example not only for this challenge, but also for lipsyncs I feel. Your branching out into fabric rendering, I’m noticing - your latex details are quite visually impactful here. A nitpick for this for me would probably be the inclusion of a little bit of glint or perhaps a tiny, tiny dark grey line that notifies us that there is a pupil or a scelera contact lens in Ori’s eye holes in both the poster and the outfit. That’s really all I can find wrong with it in my eyes.
I hope you continue your detail exploration and your rendering skills. You have such a strong eye for fashion and it’s starting to be well matched by your choices of rendering fabrics and details. I hope this helps!!
Up next is...

BIANCA BIQUINI | POSTER

Sally Spellman: Your poster reads more like a children’s book illustration to me, it’s not ugly or bad but I guess the intent is lost on me, the way you used the space is a little weird because you have some dead space which I think you could have filled with more floral motifs, if this were a little more elongated and the stone were sitting on water you could use this change in colors to lay some additional information on top, the colors you chose for the fonts don’t really stand out! I know you went for an earthy vibe but even so there could have been ways to do it.
Your music video look is pretty and I love it on its own but I don’t see much dragginess in it, wish you could have gone a different route with it since it feels a little derivative of Trixie to me and I think it would have been cool to see a take on brazilian folk music instead, you didn’t do a bad job at all Bianca but this didn’t meet the mark for me. I’m always rooting for you but it’s also come down to splitting hairs, hopefully you’re prepared to try your hardest next time!
Miyu Moon: At first glance I thought this poster was like, a storybook cover. It's really cute and gentle but in terms of getting information across as a show poster I think it's a little all over the place and it's hard to find the right emphasis or flow of info on the poster. Even though you're there playing your banjo I find myself overlooking that and not assuming any musical element other than as an addition to the visual aesthetic. I think maybe it's partially the fact that there are so many colours and patterns going on that it's hard to really grab onto any specific chunk of text or area of the poster as being the important center of information. The info is all there, but it doesn't feel like the musical act itself is at the center of this poster so much as it's just a general ethereal flowery feel that's happening and that could really be anything.
This outfit is super cute, but it's kind of drowning you in a sea of beige. I like the long ethereal hair, but then the outfit just seems really basic in comparison to the fairy-like feeling the hair and makeup are giving me. It's a nice outfit but I think it's just so soft and subtle that I wouldn't really be grabbed by this music video, if you were out strumming the harp in a field of flowers I feel like it would all just blend together. I would have liked to see you go more grand with your outfit and give something that could believably be an "iconic" music video look. Right now I feel like this look is just kind of a fan of the show, like a girl who came to get autographs from the singer after the show rather than the world touring singer herself.
Sulphur Bomme: Hello Bianca! Your poster fits the genre quite well, colour scheming and the iconography, but it’s just really not hitting a level that I expected.
Your referenced Trixie Mattel in your poster and I feel like that her EP cover for Moving Parts would’ve been a great reference point for your poster. Lana Del Rey too - just because the layout of your poster has this emptiness because of the spaces, and in comparison a lot of posters this week are much stronger because they’ve covered a lot of space. I think if you did something along the lines of an actual creek rather than this really oblique sort of background to your piece, it would’ve produced more of a punch - even if the background was trees or something just to have a bit more of that folksy impact, it would’ve worked a lot more.
Your outfit is really strong, I absolutely adore the hair and the posing on this. Your artwork always has this fluidity to it that’s just absolutely breathtaking, and for challenges like this I think if you were to produce a fluid piece like you have with your look for your poster it would’ve worked so well especially for this genre. One nitpick would be if your boots were a little shorter and they had little scalloped socks coming out that would’ve really pushed a bit more of a folksy vibe to your outfit this week, and also if you don’t start wearing heels that make Bianca at least eligible to ride the Junior Rollercoasters at the fairground next week I will sue you. I hope that helped!!
Up next is...

SELECTA | POSTER

Sally Spellman: Your poster gives me salsa casino from the start and that’s everything you needed to do, the colors are nice and they’re fiery so on that regard there’s no complaints on my part, however I wish you had finessed this some more because there are parts that feel rushed (The chileans can’t dance text being the more clear example), nothing that puts you in a bad spot but I think it could have been even greater than it already is, hopefully Selecta will earn the gaviota de platino!
Now onto this look, AZÚCAR! El yerberito moderno came through, people will think Salsa and jump to the red mini dress with frills conclusion but you absolutely slayed this by paying homage to Celia Cruz, it’s extra because salsa is extra, it’s dramatic, fiery and passionate just like this look, the two streaks of red hair resembling horns are absolutely genius, it has that camp feature but also you can see that when the video heats up she will take off the coat and still have a very cool look but actually look more modern without it! You absolutely aced this one.
Miyu Moon: This poster is wild as hell and I love it, it would immediately make me want to read it and understand what sort of show is going on. It's got a great design element going on, it definitely looks like a real show poster and has all the info needed to make it believable and effective. It's definitely got an active, fiery feel to it with the dynamic posing and bright colour scheme. I like that it has a sort of retro printed look to it, even if it is "retro" in origina it's a look that still works well for posters up this day. Even if I don't know jack about salsa I know this show is going to be high energy and musical and dance based and that alone is really all you need to hook an audience.
This look is big and demands attention and regardless of genre that is exactly what a music video look should do, this look would definitely be something people would see and remember. I like the fuostrich looking trim you added in there, definitely adds a sense of action and motion to such a big, bulky garment. I wouldn't think tight jeans would lend to salsa dancing but I suppose that's up for you to prove me wrong, because the little hip furnishings are super cute and I would love to see them in motion. The overall devil imagery is really well done, I love the little hair streaks because... well... you kow me. I will say that I wish your poster and music video outfit went together a little better, they have some colour in common but the devil imagery is so strong in the look and nonexistant in the poster so I wish they were just tied together a little more so it felt like they were all a part of the same era of a musician's career.
Sulphur Bomme: Hello Selecta! I’m getting retro Old Hollywood painted poster vibes from your Salsa poster and your look - you’re perfect, you’re beautiful, you look like Linda Evangelista, are you a model…
I think one of the most visually striking things on your poster is the colour scheme and the restrictive scheme is such a strong palette too - blue red and orange is a really powerful triad scheme and you using a neutral like white played to your advantage here. The wear and tear of the poster works extremely well for this case, and I love the inclusion of Selecta in and out of drag. It’s really detailed, really informed and really strong! I hope that the artifacts on the white bar are intentional however, otherwise you could’ve gone with perhaps quickly analysing and erasing some of them out for a more clean look. That’s my only nitpick.
Your costume is kinda fun in its own way. I love the reference point of Celia Cruz, I got that almost immediately (shocking, a white person with an understanding of culture, I know) and I just really enjoy this moment a lot. Some people may argue it’s very costumey, but your reference point is costumey so I understand that, and this challenge we’re not looking for explicit couture - you’re performing! Salsa divas are performers, and this is very valid form of drag, it’s very campy, it’s very different to what you’ve done, and it works really fucking well. I think if anything, I would’ve perhaps changed the hair to be a bit more beehive. But this week I feel like you’ve really produced something that isn’t causing an imbalance, it’s very strong referential material and you’ve sold a strong Salsa concept. Keep exploring how you’re exploring, and Season 4’s BTM2 might be a thing of the past with your Season 4 WIN. I hope that helped!!
Up next is...

AURA | POSTER

Sally Spellman: This is the other poster that looks legit, I’m not very worldly so I haven’t seen many concert posters in my lifetime but this one is pleasing to look at and that’s enough for me, the humor in it is great and the bitch got sponsors a plenty! One thing that I thought was a smart touch was the inclusion of a scan code because of course that would be a thing haha.
Now your look itself feels like a rehash, I’ve seen this hood, I’ve seen these baby hairs, I’ve seen this cinched waist with a coat with long sleeves! Not ragging on you but I don’t want you to start repeating formulas just because they’ve worked before, I want to see different sides to Aura and I think it’s time to start experimenting with new elements, shapes and silhouettes. My one issue is that I wish you had gone for a shtick because admittedly it is hard to think of an EDM video where the musician stands out (Thinking of the likes of Avicii, David Guetta, Calvin Harris) so I wish you had gone for a shtick characteoutfit like Daft Punk or even Deadmau5. I appreciate your art and designs but I think it’s the time to flip the coin so we can see the other side, Aura!
Miyu Moon: Wow, this poster looks super modern and definitely like an EDM show. I love the logo and colours, it's definitely got that vaporwave kinda thing going that is super popular in EDM nowadays as opposed to the straight up CMYK neons of rave yesteryear. There's a lot of info going on, almost too much, which is honestly kinda believable because I believe that a DJ would put all this stuff on a poster. I also like the little details like the QR code (I scanned it out of curiosity) and the sponsorship logos at the bottom, it pushes it to be very realistic.
The outfit though, it's gorgeous and all but as a music video look it leaves me wondering a lot. It's just a bit non-specific as to waht feel we're going for here, there's something very high fashion haute-couture about it but also something EDM and I'm just not entirely feeling the connection between the two. The look is pretty but just as a music video look it's not giving me a lot of feeling or flow, like nothing is really standing out as an iconic element of this look or giving me really a sense of what the music or song could be like. The only thing really making this look feel any amount EDM appropriate is the neon lines in the coat, but then the outfit and the coat don't really connect besides maybe the pinkish tone in the coat and pants? There's just something very non-specific about this look and overall sort of stiff, it's not jumping out with any particular element.
Sulphur Bomme: Hi Aura! Off the bat, I’ve been to Greece, Spain, even in the UK, and these posters - I’ve seen these fucking posters everywhere.
This is a well crafted poster and your design fits so well in one of those cabanas that uses Live House Music as a selling point on an island somewhere. You’re really showing a side that I didn’t expect of you - and that’s your humour. This poster, while it’s not taking itself seriously, It’s very well put together, so your humour is kind of a silent killer that’s emerging really well with this. I love the inclusion of the logos, I think that’s what puts it head and shoulders above the other ones for me personally? But I think the main issue here that’s dragging you back is your look.
Your massive coats and cinching seem to be a signature for you, but for this challenge it would’ve been amazing if you tapped into perhaps producing an outfit that screamed “NuEDM Drag Queen Lady DJ”. If you harken back to audition looks, a lot of people used black, white and neon colours and effortlessly pulled off these neon fantasies. I know that your reference poole was probably a lot short-handed by the lack of female DJs, but I feel like tapping into the likes of perhaps, Daft Punk (looking at how the two are like, robot-human augmentations) Ulala Space Channel 5 could’ve been another reference poole, Jet Set Radio - all these sort of references might’ve helped push a new silhouette and concept for you. For next week, try to think about production of silhouettes, and perhaps branching out and exploring a little bit whilst keeping it in your own little realm of Aura. I hope that helped!
Up next is...

ARCANGELO | POSTER

Sally Spellman: This poster I don’t like, I’ll be understanding of you being under a time crunch so I won’t blame you, this isn’t really giving me hip hop but rather a brochure that a jehovah's witness would give me, I know christianity is your gig but I think it didn’t help you for your poster, I wish the silhouette’s pose were different, more relaxed rather than “enlightened”.
The look itself isn’t very exciting to me, it’s a hip hop look alright, very early 2000s Cee Lo Green sort of thing I think it was a good opportunity to experiment more with holy imagery rather than restricting it to just some bling, the lamb coat was a nice touch and let me say I think this lineless style is very cool! I think since it was supposed to be a music video look you could have gone larger than life with it, especially since you got hip hop!
Miyu Moon: There is something really strange about this poster and I can't put my hand on it. Maybe it's the singular wing or the fact that it's all so dark and mysterious but it's just not jumping up and grabbing my attention. I can tell that it's a show of some sort, if not for the word "concert" in the title I would have no idea that it is music based at all and would probably just assume it's some sort of church group or a public talk or something. The blue and white colour scheme is definitely heavenly, but it's just kind of a big wash of cool tones and would probably blend into the background out in the world.
Admittedly I find this outfit really charming, the big wooly jacket is so country. I like the way you combined the country boy element with the hip hop element, the heeled timbs are great and the jewelry is perfect. The outfit underneath however is pretty basic in its own, it's just a button down shirt and a pair of adidas track pants. I would have liked to see an outfit that looked more custom made and flashy in its intricacy, right now it looks kind of like somebody's dad made a costume for a music video in their backyard and not like an actual high budget musical artist. The idea behind this is right but I just think it needed to look a little more interesting without relying on just the coat or the chains, I feel like the elements of the outfit should still sell an image of country even if there isn't literal sheeps wool laid on top. Also, the poster and look really don't have much to do with each other, like this outfit is way more fun and interesting than the poster. I wouldn't think the person on the poster was this same person in the music video, so I wish your poster was more exciting to match this level of fun.
Sulphur Bomme: Hello Arcangelo! I think the poster has elements that are strong but feel ultimately rushed in a sense of understanding that you were late yesterday. Which is understandable, but some of these elements would have really worked a lot more in tandem with time management.
I don’t really get Christian Hip Hop from this at all if I’m completely honest. It’s giving me like, northern lights but make it viewable from these select locations. I think the inclusion of information and your stylistic intention to bring this back to Arcangelo is there, just that this poster is just not correlating towards Hip Hop, it’s more like a tourism brochure? If you referenced Christian Hip Hop there’s still a bit of grime and a bit of street style to it, and that would’ve made it more iconographic with Hip Hop. Boom Boxes, a Bible but it’s got a Gucci bookshield on it, who knows.
Your outfit really just screams the dad at the communion who got into the Sunday School dress-up chest? That kinda fits with the Christian Hip-Hop theme. It just needs a lot more than you’ve presented I feel. This would’ve really benefited from an on-the-nose sort of patterned top and bottom, Gucci vibes of like, Calabasas Street Style but make it Jeffree Star Untouchable, a puffer jacket instead, more jewellery, wear the entire sales rack of Claire’s, it needed to be elevated to a level that could compete and stand out more on its own. And I’m sad because you could’ve really took a comedic route with this and really stuck it to the rest of the competitors, because you genuinely are a good humoured and strong at delivering jokes.
I think next week would be a time to really harken back to the production of work say, from Disease Week and Seasons Week. Really have fun with Arcangelo, because when you have fun it’s so obvious that you enjoyed designing the look and you enjoyed the production of it. I hope this helped!
The judges have made their decisions.
Selecta you've got the sabor, you've got tumbao, AZÚCAR! You're safe.
Oriana This week your death metal poster and look... gave us life, you're safe.
Ripper Hole The jazzman jazzed all over the place, I'm testifying, condragulations you're the winner of this week's challenge.
Bianca Biquini While we were expecting you to folk out, this week you folked up, I'm sorry my dear but you're up for elimination.
Aura Your EDM poster was amazing but your music video look killed the radio star...
Arcangelo Your hip hop presentation was more of a big flop...
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Arcangelo, I'm sorry my dear but you're also up for elimination.
That means Bianca Biquini and Arcangelo, you're both up for elimination
The lipsync song for this week is Audio by LSD. The lipsync looks, and our next elimination, will be revealed in a few hours, at about 9:00am PST. We'll see you there!

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